A little Bit of Thanks

 Rejoice always;  pray without ceasing;  in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 

As Thanksgiving approaches I think more and more about what I am thankful for. I don't have to think very hard to come up with a long list of what to be thankful for. This year was not an easy year by any means. Last Thanksgiving if I had been asked to predict the next year I never would have guessed the trials we would have encountered. What does James 1:2-4 tell us? Consider it all joy knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance and to let endurance have its perfect result so you may be perfect  and complete, lacking in nothing. So, with those words in mind I worked though the trials of the last year. I wasn't always precisely cheerful, and I didn't celebrate our bad situations, but I was thankful to the Lord in all of our circumstances. I held on to the realization that He was moving in my life to place us in a better situation, on a better path, to put new people in our lives, to put us in the lives of new people as well. Those dark moments were teaching times, moments of introspection as well as retrospection. For those times I am thankful. We are constantly evolving, never fully complete always growing. 

This Thanksgiving week I have the opportunity to look back on a year of growth. Tonight Brittany handed me the date of her High School graduation, her early graduation. Tonight I had a conversation with a typical competition cheer coach about Heather Riley actually competing in January with the other girls, I look at my grown girls and I know they are on the paths to becoming adults that will make a difference in the lives of those they touch in the world. They are all four beautiful young women, with pure hearts. I am thankful God has allowed me to be their mother. 

I am thankful for the amazing friends I have in my life, those far and near. Both old and new. Over the last year I have gained at least one new friendship that I cherish more than this person may realize. Friendship is a vital part of the human condition. I let very few people into my life, I talk to many people on a casual basis, but very few on a personal level. I have marveled over the entrance of certain people into my life. This was one of those instances.

This Thanksgiving we turn to the Lord with praise for what is right, and ask for guidance in the other areas. This thanksgiving we are going to be quiet, just us at home. This year is a time for quiet reflection, a turkey and stuffing, some time on the couch just holding on to one another. Reminding each other of what is important.

 Life and love. 

Over the years I have come to the realization that I have very few needs in life. The girls too, the three of us are simple, while it is true there are things we enjoy in life, those are not things we require to be happy. The only thing we need is love, it doesn't matter where we live, or what we consume. We could eat rice and beans, as long as we are secure with love nothing else matters.


For this sense of security I am thankful. 

There are so many things I am thankful for, I could continue, I could list things until the sun comes up, but I will stop. I encourage each of you to take time to think about the things you are thankful for, the relationships in your life that are meaningful, the people you love;  Do those people know just how much they mean to you? Have you thanked the Lord for your blessings? 

There is no time like the present to let them know.

Three Years Later

Tonight I sat at the elementary school where YCOA meets for practice each week and watched Heather do things that this night three years ago, I never would have thought possible. This night three years ago I had resigned myself to there not being "in three years" with Heather.

Three years ago on this night Heather went into a 3 hour convulsive status seizure. Not only did she seize for more than three hours, but she had high fever caused by sepsis. The video embedded here was taken that night, short clips taken between 6 and 8pm on November 5th. I don't like to watch this, I haven't watched it more than a couple of times since that night, this moment was the start of a nightmare I never could have imagined.

 As I watched Heather tonight at cheer practice I thought about these things, and went back to this hospital room and that moment in my mind.

Three years later Heather Riley is in an amazing place. She has opportunities and strength that I never thought would be available to her. I sat on the bench and choked back tears for 40 minutes as I watched the girls treating Heather like any other girl on the squad (these girls have no idea she is any different) Heather was doing stunts like the other kids, I watched Heather assist in holding another girl up in the air. I had to hold my breath, and thank God for the determination she has, for the strength we have all been able to find to take the next step each time we had to. It is amazing what a difference your attitude makes.

In the darkest of moments we have always chosen to live and not simply exist. This is why Heather is successful, this is why she is doing what she does.

 Heather still has Lennox Gastaut Syndrome, but truth is that does not define who she is and what she is capable of doing. Sometimes we bite off more than we can chew, but in the end we look at the situations and say "we tried" We are all given one life and we must honor that life and live it to the fullest. Not constantly looking back into the past; retrospect is good as long as you are balancing it with introspection so you learn and grow. Never wallowing in "poor me" "oh, how we suffer" Learn from where you have been. As a family we look at November 2011 as not only our darkest hour, but also our greatest blessing.

Heather recovered from the status seizure after several doses of ativan, a phenobarbital load and a load of dilantin. She would  crash in the ambulance and arrive at the childrens hospital in critical condition. Her heart and kidneys failing, unable to breath on her own. Within 48 hours she would open her eyes and start to recover. And today, three years after that ordeal here she is. Standing in a room, a room here she is part of a competition cheer leading squad learning cheers and stunts as though she was just another girl.

She is just another girl, three years later, just another girl, and that's all I ever wanted.

No Weapon....

One of the issues in my profession has always been the the best positions are all contract based. A company signs a 6 month contract and the client may or may not resign the contract, it may be extended for 3 months, or 6 months or an additional year. Depending on the project or company you may or may not have a job at the end of that contract.

We were living in a situation prior to our move that I look back on and wonder how we survived; even then I knew it was bad and we had to get out. Sometimes still I am overcome with emotion just thinking about what we lived through and in. I cry out of guilt and shame with the realization of what I allowed my children to be exposed to, suffer with and miss out on. I felt trapped and I believed the threats and statements regarding the core of my character. I wish I had believed in myself and known the strength I really had. I sometimes wish people had known what was really going on in my home over the years. Like most women I hide my pain and suffered in silence.  We walked through an unimaginable hell, to get where we are.

When I was offered a contract job, even though I knew it was only a 6 month special project I saw it as an opened door. This was a way out. I had a network of friends in the area and I could "hide" from those that wished me harm. I never felt like their desire to hurt me was strong enough to seek me out at that time, I have since begun to question that. To this day exactly where we live is not known to many. We felt confident melting into a county with a population of  (literally) a million other people. My girls have been though enough, I wanted to just be another face in the crowd, so we became just that. It remains important that some of these people never know where we are.

That 6 month contract was enough for us to get out, the pay was low, well below industry standards but it was enough to meet our physical needs, just barely. I commuted as long as I had to; that turned out to be just a couple of pay checks to get us moved. When we moved I took nothing more than our clothes, air mattresses and  a chair. When we left we moved essentially in a single evening. I did eventually have my best friend retrieve a mattress and Heathers wardrobe, but those were the only pieces of furniture we brought. Everything else was left behind. We started new, we wanted to bring nothing from our old and negative past to this fresh start with us. - and so we didn't.

I was always concerned that project I worked on would be lost, leaving me with no income. We lived pay check to 3 days before paycheck. It was difficult, but we made it work, our hearts were happy and we felt safe and secure. It was something I had not really felt at least not in my adult life.  Weeks turned into months so I began to hope the contract may become permanent. When I felt fear creep into my heart I prayed and felt a peace come over me. The Lord reassured my heart and mind that He brought us to this place, I was given assurance through various signs that this is exactly where the girls and I are supposed to be. I was given peace, and the knowledge that we would be taken care of.

 The girls are in good schools, my best friend lives literally just around the corner. He was the first person that ever gave the girls and I a true feeling of safety within the  family setting. Even before we moved he showed us a different kind of love.

You can imagine my concern in June when I started to see the writing on the wall at work. There were so many issues. Then it happened. The contract was lost, and the world as I knew it ended. We were safe for that month, but my mind instantly went to all of the bills that I knew would start coming in. The knowledge that unemployment would take time to process and pay; even when it did the total I would get would not even pay our rent. How was I going to buy groceries, how would I make my car payments. What would I do if it was repossessed. I was devastated, but I felt calm. I had a sense that our needs would somehow be met.

For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?
 Matthew 6:25 

There have been times I wasn't sure just what I was supposed to do or where to turn and it was in those moments when seemingly out of the blue a person entered our lives with the information we

needed, or some small job I could do for cash. This crisis has been no exception, it has been exceptional, an exceptional test of faith. The thoughts trying to take root in my heart were difficult to keep out at times. As our needs were met in moments I couldn't imagine how it would happen, my faith strengthened as I watched pieces of the puzzle come together. Sometimes in the wee hours of the morning I close my eyes and think about the events of the last few weeks and can see the Lords hands again very actively at work in our life. While there are those that rejoice in the devastation we have been and are facing, some even making some untrue and unkind remarks regarding our situation. These things are nothing new to us, and while I think about this I feel the power in the words of Isiah 54:17-

No weapon that is formed against you will prosper;
And every tongue that accuses you in judgment you will condemn.
This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord,
And their vindication is from Me,” declares the Lord

Those that rejoice with voices of cruelty, yet proclaim a christian faith are the wolf in sheep clothing.

One night I was on my porch after a family conversation and just spending time with those I love. I was alone with my thoughts in the cool night air as I sat thinking I was in conversation with the Lord regarding everything, I felt a calm wash over me and just knew this was ending;  the worst was over. Even thought I had a deep sense of peace at that moment I can't tell you everything is perfect yet, but there are so many good things happening right now. Long standing issues are being resolved as though a divine hand waved and said "enough, this season in your life is over" and in a way He did.

Of course, as I say this always know none of the issues are solved by us sitting here waiting for the Lord to reach down in a divine way and fix life for us. Of course that would be nice, but that is just not how life works. We must work our issues out, and so once I took the first step to address and issue it was like dominoes started to fall. A few nights ago I stopped to think about it and it took my breath away as I thought about what set it all into motion.

God is good all the time, even when we don't or can't see it. Thank you to everyone that has lifted us up in prayer, and those that reached a hand up in our time of need.  We are still walking in dangerous financial territory for another month, but once these broken pieces are collected and placed with the others they will become a part of something beautiful. So far the other side of this looks to be more amazing than I ever imagined.

Getting Exactly What You Ask For

How many times have you uttered the words... "Lord, please give me patience"  what exactly are you expecting when you say it? I know what I wanted when I made the fatal mistake of saying those words. I wanted to be relieved of the aggravation I was feeling, I expected to be sent by way of divine intervention a peace and sense of calm. Isn't that what we are asking for when we pray for patience? We all want to be able to calmly deal with the situation at hand, not be the screaming, red faced lunatic that we are seconds from becoming as we utter those 5 words?

So those were the expectations.. what did I get when I prayed those fatal words? I got exactly what I asked for.. just not at that precise moment. What the Lord gave me were many situations that taught me how to be patient, how to humble myself into patience for situations minor and major. When I start to feel a little bit of that person I was a few years ago creeping back in and those words come into my mind I stop and remind myself of all those difficult instances I have endured in order teach me patience and I think "this really isn't so bad, I can wait" then I use that waiting time to pray, to thank the Lord for something, some small something in my life.

Which brings me to the next big thing here.. Life is full of lessons.. I am constantly learning them. God isn't like a Genie in the bottle, we can't just rub the bible, clap our hands together say a prayer and expect something to happen. I would be lying, as would most of us if I didn't say there weren't times in my life that I expected instant responses. Sometimes still that monster known as impatience rears her ugly head. 

 I have a daily prayer I say every morning, I pray for peace in my heart to follow Gods will in my life with out protest or fear. A few days ago I sat in a parking lot thinking about an elderly man, praying for those I love in my life and wondering about the future for all of us. It is hard to not have protest and fear when you have no idea which doors are opening and which doors are closing. When I first wrote this entry 2 years ago life was very different, we were starting on the path that led us here. We were certainly at a crossroad.  We are again in a time of great change, this time we are in a safe place surrounded by love and peace. Changes are different and are acceptable. They are stressful and frighting, but not in the same way as they were before we moved. Today I pray asking the Lord to open the right doors and close the wrong doors. I ask to keep the wrong people out of my life and the right ones close by and the wisdom to know the difference. I am facing several major life decisions right now once again. 

Decisions and Doors..

James 1:2-5 tells you to consider your trials all joy, that the testing produces endurance- and that we

should let the endurance have its perfect result. So we will be complete and lacking in nothing. If you need wisdom, pray and God will give you wisdom.. So here I am, opening a pandoras box. Asking for doors to be opened and closed. Knowing in my heart walking through those open doors there will be trials; trials that will truly test my faith. How do you discern an open door with testing from a closed door? If this was Hollywood a voice would boom down and tell you "HEY YOU- keep going"  or "Yo, Dummy, back off." Since this is reality we don't get any cool special effects like that. We get the pain of making bad choices and the joy of success with the right ones.

Telling Your Story...

None of us are comprised of a single story. Our lives are many stories woven together intricately to create who we become. There are moments of heroism and moments of vulnerability. When you tell your story, which ever part you chose to share tell it with your whole heart.

There are parts my story, parts of me, that I will only share with my spouse, or the person that will become my spouse when that time comes. Some things are simply to personal. There are stories, and moments, that I will share openly. Sometimes these are things others would hold tightly to themselves. Many trials we have suffered openly and we have come through them because of the sense of community, because of the love and support we received from thousands of people who prayed for us, but we never met. Currently we are in one of those periods of life. This is a time I would rather continue to hold private, but I can not. We are not doing well, and we are at the end of our rope, there are no more knots to be tied at this point. I am, as always, telling a part of our story with my whole heart. I know we will come through this and look back with a heart full of love and this too will become another piece, another part of our testimony. For those of you that have seen the link on caringbridge, this is no different, it is the same one. For others, this link is my moment of vulnerability.

A month of Near Silence.....and Why

Farmer Brown really caught me off guard, and touched me deeply. He made me realize that there are people in my life that I am failing to be the person they need, and the person God intends. We all have work to do, but it must start somewhere. I know I must take the first step. Through Farmer Brown I realized I need to make significant changes not just for myself but for them as well. Farmer Brown is not the first stranger to speak to me like this either. When we met the hitchhiker a little more than a year ago my eyes were opened to truths then as well. I was pushed into doubt and frustration at that time. With Farmer Brown I received confirmation of things I knew which caused me to begin a battle with personal demons, a lot of "whys" and even some internal refusals.

 It is important to "be still and listen" I am still, and constantly listening. Quite often receiving the message is much easier than taking the necessary action. There have been times I have felt tormented with the things the Lord has wanted me to speak or placed in my heart to do. I have reached the point in certain areas that I understand and have reached a point of acceptance, between the hitchhiker a little more than a year ago and Farmer Brown just a month ago. It was not easy to come to the place I am now, and believe me I am still struggling, so if you are around me, understand my very real silence at times. 

I realized so many things in the days after seeing Farmer Brown in the hospital parking lot. I continued to think about his words and our interaction. I needed some time to myself, some time to not "share" myself. 

I am back, I have some things to share this month. Some of the posts many of you may recognize, I feel they are worth sharing with important messages.

Farmer Brown

 Over the years I have learned there are no accidents in life, there are no "mishaps" every moment is designed to bring us to the place we are for purpose. There are times that we are acutely (sometimes painfully) aware  the instant it happens other times it will be years later when we retrospectively look back at our lives that we make the connections. 
  It is the glory of God to conceal a matter, but the glory of kings is to search out a matter. Proverbs 25:1 

I frequently tell people of the many wisdoms Father Rossi shared with me. One of the most important things was to "be still and listen" yesterday I did just that. I was in an unfamiliar place and saw a bench, it was rather hot, but the breeze felt nice in the shade. I was not in a particular hurry and something in my heart just said to sit and be still for a while. So I did. I sat and watched people come and go for a while, smiled as they passed me by.

 Then I saw him.

The most charming elderly man, certainly a man that had lived in the area his entire life emerged from the building wearing brown pants and a tan shirt. It wasn't just his adorable "old man attire" that caught my attention. Attached to his very well shined up walker was a John Deer Green sign that said "Farmer Brown" in yellow letters, on the other side of the walker was similar plaque that stated "Oliver" I was being approached by "Farmer Oliver Brown" As Farmer Brown shuffled closer to the bench  I was actually overcome with the urge to go hug the stranger. Instead of raising to the lever of a total freak I smiled at him. I noticed a woman walking toward him, she was from an assisted living facility. She asked if he thought he could make it to the van. I looked up and thought "no way" she had parked across the parking lot. It was currently nearly 100 outside, the poor fellow would have a heat stroke trying to cross the parking lot. He looked up from his slightly hunched over position and shook his head. I slide over on the bench and patted the seat next to me "come have a seat" He became animated and said "Look at the audacity of this young lady" I just laughed. He winked. His helper assisted him to sit down and warned him not to bite me, to which I replied not to worry I will bite back. He chuckled. As she left to get the van he finished his drink which was from a red solo cup, the reusable ones. I don't know why I found that so amusing, but I certainly did. The country song kept running though my head as I watched him drink. As he slurped the last bit he handed it to me as though I was there to help him. Which was just fine. The he patted my leg and offered me advice. Advice that made it tough for me not to cry as I thought about his life and what the words meant to him as he shared them with me. "Always love him, that's all he wants, we can be real stubborn" "do you understand?" After he said those words he looked at me as though I was supposed to say something so as I am choking back tears I said "okay" Then he took my hand and he told me "just be there for him so he is not alone, God doesn't mean for us to be alone"  and he squeezed my hand. As I looked at this man it took every thing I had not to sob as I thought about him being alone. His van was already at the curb, his helper was waiting for him. I watched him get up, handed his helper his red solo cup; he turned around and told me "I am 92 years old, I know a thing or two" and with that he got on the van.  I watched him get on the van and through the tinted windows I saw an elderly man sit alone. I felt sadness in my heart as I watched them drive away. I imagine he had once had someone he loved greatly and now missed her as she was gone. I hated seeing him alone going back to the assisted living facility. Even in writing this it brings tears to my eyes and pain in my heart for anyone alone. In that instant there was a very personal moment I had. I did have to leave, I certainly was not going to sob on the bench in public. The reason I was compelled to sit for nearly 45 minutes on that bench for no good reason? It was for that moment to occur. I needed to be reminded that relationships matter. Over the last several months I have been with the mind set that certain things just don't matter. This was a very clear reminder that connections do matter. 

Yesterday was a day I won't soon forget. I woke up  feeling like I was at the lowest point in my life. I have always been on the other side of the coin I was flipping. The emotions I was trying to process started to pile up long before yesterday. Over the last week I have had the highest high to the lowest low. I have realized the Lord was using this to bring me back to where I need to be spiritually. As I sat yesterday at the Ada Jenkins Center I gained new perspective as I choked back tears feeling completely humbled with new perspective. Little did I know the day was going to end at the hospital on a much higher note than it began. Farmer Brown is not a man I will soon forget, just like the stranger we picked up hitchhiking about a year ago. People can come into your life briefly and make lasting impressions on your heart with few words.

Clickbait

Roughly 3 weeks ago we opened up our door to invite Time Warner to plug cable into our home. With this came lots of news media; this was the motivating factor for me. Yes, I am a news junkie. That may come as a shock to a lot of people; I am a closet junkie. I keep a great many of my political views to myself. Attempting to discuss politics in the home I came from always meant things were going to become volatile. That didn't just go for politics, religion was another subject that could not be civilly discussed. To this day I rarely discuss politics except on a surface level. Religion is a different matter. I will talk about it all day and to anyone. Politics have no baring on anyone's eternity. knowledge regarding the truth of Jesus Christ does. I will engage in a discussion with anyone at anytime in those matters. Just not politics.

When it comes to reading and watching the news what matters? Why get worked up? We enjoy it, people enjoy feeling. Those in media know this. Social media is no different.  Some people enjoy feeling the wrong emotions. Some people enjoy attention in the wrong way and they will do nefarious things to get the attention they are seeking. Some are in need of it because of psychological issues they have, others are just mean because they lack love. Regardless of the reasons these attention seekers are relentless and will create facts and issues that are none existant and to great lengths to perpetuate a myth. The internet is a big wide world full of lots of personalities. Each of us are responsible for what we allow into our homes when we are clicking. Much different than when we turn on a TV. This was one reason we did not have cable for so many years. I prefer to have control over what I allow into my home, but I can't stand to give up my addiction to the news now that I have had to taste of 24/7 access!

As I stand in the kitchen preparing food for our cookout today I watch some TED talks as per my usual, some habits are hard to break even with the 24/7 news access.  I came across this talk. Meaningful in many ways. She makes many powerful statements that we can all learn from. My advice after hearing this, take control of what you click and even watch. When you stop clicking, it may stop happening.

Back to School

Summer is over and the buses are slowing down traffic again. There is a slight chill in the air every morning; how quickly time passes. I thought about the passing of time as I looked at my girls sleeping early Monday morning. Britt about to wake up and start her senior year in high school, Heather about to start 8th grade. It seems like just yesterday that they were "real" babies not just my "babies" I can close my eyes and so easily go back to the hectic days of diapers and packing book bags for the two older sisters (both now close to finishing college) Trying to feed an infant, change a toddlers diaper and get everyone in school so I could get to work. Those mornings were so chaotic, but when I close my eyes and think back. I would give anything to bring those moments into my life now. Not to go back, I don't ever want to go back, but to have those precious moments and experience them differently; for my older girls to know the love and support of a mom and "dad" just like Britt and Heather have known for the last few years. There are times I find myself getting upset when I linger too long on those thoughts, I remind myself that the Lord blessed us with incredible people that helped the older girls develop into beautiful self assured women. Their lives were enriched with amazing experiences, just different than what the "little" girls have gotten. ...and those were the thoughts as I looked at my sleeping girls on the first day of school. It is bitter sweet as they grow up, so many wonderful things are happening for them as they grow, as parents you can't help but have a desire to hang on just a bit longer.

Many of you have watched them grow up over the last 10 years through various means. Some in person, some simply through my words and videos. Regardless of how you have come to know us you blinked like I did and the girls have arrived at this moment in life.

 Kids are really funny about pictures when they reach certain ages. Just to get these two first day of school photos nearly took an act of congress. Heathers hand is off of her face simply because her nurse bribed her with Starbucks, yes, she is a little coffee drinker. Make that a skinny vanilla latte please. She is caught between growing up and being a little girl.Then that silly sister Britt is no different. Notice this is a "selfie" she is a teen so of course it is. I pulled out my camera, you might have thought I pointed a water gun at her and asked her to engage me in a battle before school. It was horrible. This is the girl that takes pictures of herself frequently and for no reason. I took a couple of pictures and gave up. When I picked my phone back up I discovered she had taken several of these candid selfies for me. Certainly not the "getting ready" photos I had planned on getting. oh, well.

The bus came for Britt then the van came for Heather.

Heather Ri is doing something a little different this year. Andrew and I discussed in the IEP meeting last year that we felt she needed to be removed from dance class. She had expressed frustration with the class; and anyone that has seen the school dance performance videos can see how miserable she was in the class. Over the summer she had the opportunity to attend a dance camp with 4 and 5 year olds and loved every second of it. This was a very different environment than what takes place in a typical middle school dance class. With this knowledge Andrew addressed the situation when he was handed her schedule on "meet the teacher" night. Since she is in a self contained class room she only goes into the regular ed class for one elective. We were given a list of classes to look over and decide  what to move her into. Art appeared to the the best option. Heather loves art, she carries around a notebook and pencil all the time at home. She has always loves painting and anything that allows her to express herself creatively. We were told it might take two weeks to change the schedule; she starts tomorrow. I love how quickly things get taken care of. I continue to receive affirmations in moments of doubt that our move was the right thing to do. As long as we continue  have faith, to rely full on the Lord,  He will continue to provide for us and guide our way.

Faith is the assurance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen.

Britt had a very tough year last year. She had some significant health issues last year as well. She was able to maintain her grades with a lot of exempted work. I sat in several meetings last year faced with a team of teachers that stated it was going to be impossible for her to pass even with exempted work. They stated that no student would be able to pass exams in her situation. I simply asked them to give her a chance. Britt isn't just any student. They were planning on her failure before giving her a chance. After our final discussion they were willing to work with us and allow her the opportunity to try, I actually almost felt like I was being humored. It didn't matter. Each of her teachers were on board, almost.  The only teacher that gave us a hard time was her Spanish instructor. Which I found ironic. We live in a mostly Spanish speaking community; Britt is immersed in not only Spanish language but culture as well. She refused to exempt any work and stated she had to be present to receive instruction daily. Which went against the 504. She promised me it would be impossible for her to pass the exam but if she passed the exam she would pass the class and all work would be exempted. I felt like I was making a bet on a race horse, it felt like we should be spitting in the palms of our hands and shaking on it. I was not going to let her fail, Britt is very intelligent. The end of the year came and she passed the exam, one point away from getting an A (I can only imagine this teacher was shocked and unhappy, she isn't  nice person.) I wanted her to be happy in the meeting, she wasn't. That was upsetting, but I had to let it go. Sitting across from her once more was very rewarding. In my head I was being very juvenile and saying "nanananana" but I kept it mature (even though I kept saying that with my inside the head voice) and adult by just reminding her that no student should be denied the opportunity to succeed just as no student should be expected to fail. She passed all of her classes with A's and B's even though she missed more than 100 days of school.  This year she is in honors classes and is very excited about several of them. I am impressed with the options the school offers. Britt has the opportunity to take an Honors Forensic Science class and so far loves the class, she has also been very talkative about her Honors English class and appears to have teachers she likes well. I pray this is a good year for both girls.

As we enter the fall season I have a renewed sense of hope and knowledge that we are leading the girls in the right direction. There are issues we continue to work on, but that is a reality every one faces in life. As Christians we are growing and working on becoming the best versions of ourselves each day. We succeed and we fail. When we fail we look at what we did and make the conscious effort not to repeat the same mistake again. When we succeed we feel good and find it easy to thank the Lord. During those times of  trial failure we shouldn't ever forget to always rejoice as well.

Don't be timid, walk by faith, trust the Lord to guide your way. Fully submit your heart and life. The difference it makes is amazing. 

A Birthweek Surrounded by Friends

This past week has been amazing. August is a month full of birthdays in our family. First we celebrate Heather Rileys then my own followed by Britts a week later. Another year to celebrate love and life. I look back at all we have overcome as a family and all we still face in the coming year. I know we have much to be thankful for even in our trials the Lord is working for us, in those trials I am always thankful. There has yet to be an event we have been through that I have not looked back upon in retrospect and said “yes, I see the Lord was carrying us in those times in preparation for this” 

 This year on my birthday I was invited to Carowinds and had a great time hanging out with my

friend Charles. I really enjoyed getting my picture taken with the Peanuts Gang. I am just a big kid at heart. When I don't have to be a professional I enjoy laughing and having a good time. I gravitate toward people and situations that allow that part of me to come out. Life is so serious it is important to relax and smile, laughter is vital. Everyone that knows me knows I have a playful nature. I love to see a smile on the faces of others around me as well. Smiles from the inside out are new for us since moving. We are experiencing real love and joy in a safe environment and it is amazing.

As the week continued more surprises were to occur. We were reunited with friends very dear to us. Friends that came to me and said“yes, this is one of the reasons for your trial, we needed to know it was possible to survive it. There are situations in life no individual should ever endure, no mother, father, sister, brother or any care giver. When you find yourself in rough waters it is good to know another has rafted the river before and made it out alive. This mom and I have been friends almost longer than I can remember. Our children share a diagnosis, but they share so much more. They share a friendship and a bond that doesn't always need words. Entire play dates have passed without a word spoken, they very simply communicated through the language of commonality and camaraderie. That does not require spoken language.

This photo was taken when our children were 5 or 6, at the Childrens Museum in Greensboro. It was a wonderful day to grown and learn. This past week when Michele and I watched the kids play, in our minds this is what we saw. Two young children smiling innocent smiles with a world of opportunity ahead of them. Totally unaware of the unspeakable things either would endure in years to come. 

A friend moving away is one of the hardest things in life. Losing touch with someone that holds a piece of your heart is difficult, but when you are reunited it is one of the sweetest moments in life you can taste. The second you see that person is like tasting the most delectable fruit on the tree. My friend and I don't get to see each other often, time and distance are not a friend of ours, but when we do it is amazing and as if no time has ever passed (except the fact we are starting to look a little older, just like those kids pictured above) This week was our time to see each other, few hugs in my life ever felt so sweet..

Yeah, okay, so that isn't a photo of us in a sweet made for the big screen embrace, you certainly didn't think we would be all emotional on camera did you? One thing Michele and I know how to do - is laugh is the face of difficulty; we have maintained our sense of humor and through that maintained our sense  of self while holding our families together though the unimaginable. I openly admit I love this woman in a way no one could ever understand (dude, not like that!- and M, dry those tears up! I hear your snottin' all the way down south)

Spending even one day with together after years was like no time ever passed. The amazing thing is how true this held for our children. Two kids that had not seen each other in years came together as though it had only been hours since their last play date.

 We wondered what would happen when a third person came into the picture. If he would be accepted or if E would retreat and become quiet and retreat to a corner. Inside I knew what would happen. I have watched the magic of Andrew with special needs kids more than once. He has such a gentle and calm presence I felt confident that they would all have fun. Michele and I watched in anticipation.



In no time at all there was splashing and laughter from the three as if they were old friends. Before we could even talk about it we noticed these three laughing and having more fun than ever imagined.

One of Heathers favorite games is jumping into the pool. These guys found a game that was even more fun. Andrew was a great sport letting the kids climb on his back and launching off like rockets. There were times it looked like they were flying!

                                            What goes up must come down

                                   Heather Riley wasn't the only one to take a jump.

                                               This boy is ready for the long jump!

After Andrew pretended to be the diving board they wanted to have a competition.

 All three of them jumped in over and over; who can make the biggest splash? Who can jump he farthest? Who can do a cannonball? belly flop anyone? I could sit for hours and watch just Heather and Andrew play these games, having Heathers oldest friend laughing and playing too was heavenly!

Everyone had worked up an appetite and it was time for me to close up the pool. Andrew took us all out for Mexican at one of our favorite Mexican restaurants. We had a great time sharing a meal together. After dinner was done and we had said good bye Britt and I both cried a little on the way home. Britt turned to me and said she missed having "real people" to spend time with. While that may seem like a strange comment, it really wasn't. There are so many particulars that we "get" when we talk, sometimes just a knowing glance is all it takes and we can laugh about something. I don't think I realized just how much I missed moments like that.
 We had a wonderful day and all feel blessed to have had the opportunity to spend such a great time together. I know the kids were happy to be reunited, as well as to get home and into their beds.

Heathers Brithday is done, my Birthday has passed now we are gearing up to celebrate Britts Birthday, the girls sister Carolines Birthday is just a couple of days after Britts. All month we have had excitement and joy for the Birthday celebrations. We are excited to see what the days hold. We don't make plans right now, we take the days as they come, moment by moment to live, laugh and love.

A Birthday of Blessings

I received news at work Monday that generally speaking would devastate most people. The reality is that I have been praying about several situations for quite some time; it took very little time for me to

realize that this was the Lord providing me with clear direction. Do not mistake me, I am frustrated, but I trust His word and I know several things; one of those is that all things work together for the good of those who are called according to His purpose. Each of us has a purpose, a calling. Do I hear His calling in my life, I do. There are times I try to ignore it, times like Jonah I ignore Him and try to rebel. I pretend I can run away from what He is asking me to do because I feel like it is more than I can do. When I do this I find myself in the belly of a proverbial whale.

So here I am, spit out onto the shore, with the knowledge of what I must do, again.

There is always joy in the journey. I never focus to long and hard on the darkness. I try to find the light. 

Heather Riley turned 15 on Tuesday August 5th. I have had tickets to Carowinds since the start of summer. Each year we get to go as a family compliments of the Make a Wish Foundation. This is an event we look forward to all year. This year I started to realize that I was not going to be able to go with the family even though we planned to go on Heathers birthday. I was coming to the conclusion that I would have to tell Andrew and the girls I had to work and they would be spending Heathers birthday without me at the amusement park. My heart was broken over the decision, but I was confidant they would have an excellent time. Andrew has a natural ability to make sure the girls have a good time, his smile just makes people feel good.

Several events that could have been viewed as devastating occurred and I was able to go. I am not going into the details of those events, I will say this though. It was the answer to a prayer. There have been things going on that needed resolution and this gave me the clear direction that I was seeking. I have felt like a lost sheep for some time. I am also thankful for the ability to understand His word and find comfort for I know that no matter what our circumstances are the Lord is with me and will never leave me, I have strength and courage-  "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”  Deuteronomy 31:6. Knowing that and  the fact that everything is working together, good and bad for my good I am not worried, I am celebrating the moments of joy I have right now. Those moments are things like spending Heathers 15th birthday with her and other family members we had no idea we would see.

The morning we were leaving for Carowinds we discovered her half brother Travis was there with his girlfriend. Heather loves her brother, since we weren't certain we would see him we kept it a secret until we knew we would find him. We also discovered The girls cousin, Jade was there. Not only did this happen but Heathers older sister who wasn't able to make it showed up. Just after lunch our little family of five had become a family reunion of ten and a very happy group.We could never have coordinated this!  It was hard enough trying to plan a trip with just the four girls.
The day was a wonderful day of pure joy. After leaving Carowinds Heathers sister Sarah and cousin were able to spend two days with us, her brother Travis was able to come the next day and have dinner with us. It was excellent. Family is so important to Heather.  It is always amazing when you are able to look back at an event and catch a glimpse of of how the Lord is using a piece of it to work in your favor. I know there is so much more to come. No harm shall come to us, unless it is for our good. I look forward to the doors that are going to open in our future, I am curious as to which doors are going to close. No matter what I know there are great things headed our way.

The Power of Words

 

Words have the power to hurt and the power to heal. 

                                                 A single word can empower or destroy.

When talking, or writing how carefully do you think about the words you use in every day conversation? How much thought goes into the impact a single word may have upon another person.

In the last few weeks words have caused me a few headaches and heartaches.

I have a neighbor. Lets call him Romeo. Romeo and I have a deal. I will help him with English if he helps me with Spanish. This past Sunday at the pool we were doing what we normally do, laying in the sun and talking about nothing and everything in both Spanish and English. Romeo asks about the word wonder How can you explain wonder to someone? Wonder can be a noun or a verb and as either it has multiple meanings. Explain it to someone with limited ability in english while you have limited ability in their language. It was a very long circular conversation that involved the phrase "like wonderful without -ful?" posed as a question, quite a bit. As much as I want to say that learning Spanish has been hard, it was in that moment that I realized just how frustrating the English language is with all the words and rules and multiple meanings a single word may have.

Words and their meanings..

Its no wonder that people get angry with each other over text messages and emails. A single missed period, or comma, or horrible auto correct by your phone or computer can be a disaster. The worst of all- human interpretation of anothers meaning behind a single written line can spell disaster.

For example- just what does this statement mean? 

"I didn't say you stole the book"

who knows right? Unless you and I are talking to one another.
That phrase could mean many things, it might mean someone else implied you stole the book, or that I didn't verbally implicate you in the theft of a book. Or simply that you sole something, but not a book. The words we chose and the way we chose to say them can make or break a situation. While this is a small example I am certain each of us could think of moments in our own lives when this situation has occurred.  We need to think about it a moment, ask for clarification and stop being so quick to react.

A few years ago I was involved in a situation that really began to bother me. I admit that I possibly chose the wrong words in the given situation and as a result four years later I am still paying the price.

When you are interacting with people online my advice to each and everyone of you is to keep several things in mind. These are very important things regarding the words you read about the lives people lead. One of those is that you do not know who people are and their level of mental stability. Online each of us is represented by nothing more than our own written word. I could write and tell each of you anything about me and it may or may not be true. I could create an entire mythical life dragging your hearts into it with my words and even pictures illustrating it, because as we all know a photograph is nothing more than a snapshot of any single moment in time.

Put a caption to this yourself:

Its hard to say at this point in time what was really going on. I know at the time I probably assumed she was having a seizure, but I think she was actually watching TV that was mounted to the wall. The picture below is certainly a seizure-

If you compare the two pictures you can tell which one is a seizure and which is not. The point is a picture presented to an unsuspecting audience crafted with the right words can give a nice slice of "lie pie" and sadly people eat it.  (oh, wait- I am actually pretty sure they are both seizures, hmm- see how confusing the captions (words) on a photo can be?) Unfortunately there are people that do this intentionally; like I just did to prove a point. That is just another illustration of the power of words. People use words to heal hurts they have in their own lives while hurting others in their path.

In the years I have been "in the club" of special needs parents I have watched entire support communities destroyed because of this type of behavior. There was once a very caring and active support community that I was involved in. I believe Heather Riley was about 3 years old when I joined "Brain Talk". A group within that community fell apart due to a a couple of people that came in and used language to trap many of us into believe things that simply were not true about their families and children. Many people invested their hearts into these individuals. You feel emotionally raped when you discover a person has been lying, after the discovery an online group is left with a sort of emotional herpes.Individually a cynicism develops that never goes away for a lot of  people. After several months many of the members just stopped posting, and most people left, we were able to find one another on Facebook eventually.

I spent many years supporting parents and caregivers guiding them through their journey. Assisting with services and just being a listening ear. One thing I discovered on my journey was how lonely it is.  No one desired to hear the words I needed to use to describe my feelings. I can empathize with people on this path no one chooses. I have always had a natural ability to listen and understand. So I did.

Until recently.

Over the years I have had a few runs ins with people that you could describe as having a broken moral compass. Because of a single person I met four years ago, the worst judge of character I ever made I have decided to no longer openly give my phone number to strangers, or respond to emails and facebook messages, or letters, or even talk to people that approach me in public.

Words can destroy and should always be used with caution.

I used a lot of words every day. I talk, I write, I read, I love language and communication. I am highly interested in how people interact with each other. I understand the power of words I have stood on stage in front of hundreds of people and heard their applause. I have felt the power words have in those moments.

  I chose to use words with honesty and integrity, people know when you are face to face with them and you are being genuine. You can't always hide behind a screen. Words are powerful, but so is the reality hidden behind words you speak.

The Only Constant is Change

There are very few statements truer than this. Especially in our life. Each time we become comfortable with something a storm rolls in with the winds of change causing mass destruction. Suddenly we are forced to rebuild the things we worked diligently to build. The lesson I have learned from these storms was a slow lesson to learn but became clear over time- what we built was either poorly built or was just a temporary structure. 

Some of those rebuilds have been refreshing and welcomed, but others have been heart wrenching and felt like the end of the world, at times the process has been a mixed bag of what felt like pure insanity- as if an F5 tonado met Huricanne Katrina met Sharknado and decided to come visit our home for a while but within the choas were always moments that allowed us to see the pure side of humanity. 

In our storms the Lord reached his Hand down through the actions of others and restored my faith. Our storms were the tool at times to show the world that same thing. No storm (be it natural or personal) is without meaning and purpose. 

For the last couple of months the girls and I have been facing some demons from our past and not dancing in the rain very well. Privately we were drowning and no one knew it just how bad things were. I admit a few people knew a few things. No one has ever been aware of the full scope. I don't talk about everything with the few people I speak with daily even though at times I want to; One of the reasons I have failed to blog recently has been the urge to "spill my guts" writing is very therapeutic there is something to be said for how it feels when you"get it all out" but I also feel like it could invalidate some of the things that happen so often. 

When I close my eyes and say "God you know my need" and out of the blue I get an email from someone I have not heard from in months, and in this email they have words that are simple but perfect; I know this is God moving. I am reminded that He is there and is moving in my life as well as using my life to move others. There have been times I have received something in the mail and it was a need met, a need someone had no way of knowing was unmet.

Recently I read something about needs v/s Desires. I am always talking to my girls about that subject. It is important to know the difference between a need and a desire. Is it easy to define what a "basic" human need is? If you ask 10 people you are likely to get 10 different responses depending on who these people are. 

According to Maslow (in the 50's) there is a 5 stage model of basic needs.

1- Biological and Physiological Needs; this is - air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, sex, sleep.

2- Safety Needs- security, order, law, stability, freedom from fear

3- Social Needs- belonging- affection and love; from work group family and friends, romantic relationships.

4-Esteme Needs-achievement, mastery, independence, status, prestige, self respect, respect from others. 

5- Self Actualization- realizing personal potential, self fulfillment, seeking personal growth. 

If we were in the nice simple times of the 50's and someone asked what basic needs were and how to met those basic needs what would you say? Is it correct to say that if you have food, shelter and clothing you have your needs met? Are human needs that simple? According to this psychologist, no, human needs are not that simple. We need love and affection, we seek recognition, and to recognize others. We must feel safe and secure. As humans we need each other. That was how God created us. Multiple times the Lord states in scripture that people need companionship. I wish I could recall the exact number of times, I want to quote 7, but I can not verify that at this moment. So anyone that wants to challenge me- please do.

Back to the Hierarchy of Needs; again, the only constant is change- so years later we have a few more "basic human needs" - now there are 7, or 8. Humans like to complicate things- even "basic" things.

The only constant is change. 

As the girls and I have been riding out this major storm we have taken a long hard look at what our actual needs are. Are all of our needs really met? no, but will we survive? yes.  There are evenings we sit on the sofa and talk about what it might look like on the other side of the storm. How we may breathe easy, what we might do. Its funny the things the girls want to do. Simple things. Its funny their desires are really needs; Not that they don't have typical frivolous desires (like designer jeans, and all the others things teens desire.)We are aware of our unmet needs and what our desires are.  Knowing the difference is important and keeping it in perspective is likely the most important part of this storm season.