One of the issues in my profession has always been the the best positions are all contract based. A company signs a 6 month contract and the client may or may not resign the contract, it may be extended for 3 months, or 6 months or an additional year. Depending on the project or company you may or may not have a job at the end of that contract. We were living in a situation prior to our move that I look back on and wonder how we survived; even then I knew it was bad and we had to get out. Sometimes still I am overcome with emotion just thinking about what we lived through and in. I cry out of guilt and shame with the realization of what I allowed my children to be exposed to, suffer with and miss out on. I felt trapped and I believed the threats and statements regarding the core of my character. I wish I had believed in myself and known the strength I really had. I sometimes wish people had known what was really going on in my home over the years. Like most women I hide my pain and suffered in silence. We walked through an unimaginable hell, to get where we are.
When I was offered a contract job, even though I knew it was only a 6 month special project I saw it as an opened door. This was a way out. I had a network of friends in the area and I could "hide" from those that wished me harm. I never felt like their desire to hurt me was strong enough to seek me out at that time, I have since begun to question that. To this day exactly where we live is not known to many. We felt confident melting into a county with a population of (literally) a million other people. My girls have been though enough, I wanted to just be another face in the crowd, so we became just that. It remains important that some of these people never know where we are.
That 6 month contract was enough for us to get out, the pay was low, well below industry standards but it was enough to meet our physical needs, just barely. I commuted as long as I had to; that turned out to be just a couple of pay checks to get us moved. When we moved I took nothing more than our clothes, air mattresses and a chair. When we left we moved essentially in a single evening. I did eventually have my best friend retrieve a mattress and Heathers wardrobe, but those were the only pieces of furniture we brought. Everything else was left behind. We started new, we wanted to bring nothing from our old and negative past to this fresh start with us. - and so we didn't.
I was always concerned that project I worked on would be lost, leaving me with no income. We lived pay check to 3 days before paycheck. It was difficult, but we made it work, our hearts were happy and we felt safe and secure. It was something I had not really felt at least not in my adult life. Weeks turned into months so I began to hope the contract may become permanent. When I felt fear creep into my heart I prayed and felt a peace come over me. The Lord reassured my heart and mind that He brought us to this place, I was given assurance through various signs that this is exactly where the girls and I are supposed to be. I was given peace, and the knowledge that we would be taken care of.
The girls are in good schools, my best friend lives literally just around the corner. He was the first person that ever gave the girls and I a true feeling of safety within the family setting. Even before we moved he showed us a different kind of love.
You can imagine my concern in June when I started to see the writing on the wall at work. There were so many issues. Then it happened. The contract was lost, and the world as I knew it ended. We were safe for that month, but my mind instantly went to all of the bills that I knew would start coming in. The knowledge that unemployment would take time to process and pay; even when it did the total I would get would not even pay our rent. How was I going to buy groceries, how would I make my car payments. What would I do if it was repossessed. I was devastated, but I felt calm. I had a sense that our needs would somehow be met.
For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?
Matthew 6:25
There have been times I wasn't sure just what I was supposed to do or where to turn and it was in those moments when seemingly out of the blue a person entered our lives with the information we
No weapon that is formed against you will prosper;
And every tongue that accuses you in judgment you will condemn.
This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord,
And their vindication is from Me,” declares the Lord
Those that rejoice with voices of cruelty, yet proclaim a christian faith are the wolf in sheep clothing.
One night I was on my porch after a family conversation and just spending time with those I love. I was alone with my thoughts in the cool night air as I sat thinking I was in conversation with the Lord regarding everything, I felt a calm wash over me and just knew this was ending; the worst was over. Even thought I had a deep sense of peace at that moment I can't tell you everything is perfect yet, but there are so many good things happening right now. Long standing issues are being resolved as though a divine hand waved and said "enough, this season in your life is over" and in a way He did.
Of course, as I say this always know none of the issues are solved by us sitting here waiting for the Lord to reach down in a divine way and fix life for us. Of course that would be nice, but that is just not how life works. We must work our issues out, and so once I took the first step to address and issue it was like dominoes started to fall. A few nights ago I stopped to think about it and it took my breath away as I thought about what set it all into motion.
No comments:
Post a Comment