Turning Pages, New Chapters

Have you ever read a book and enjoyed it so much you were genuinely upset when it ended?

Our own lives can be that way. We have chapters of our life, when they close evoke similar feelings as we realize they are closing.

Over the last several months I have known a beautiful chapter in our lives was coming to an end and a new one was going to begin soon. As each page turned it was with a great deal of mixed emotion that I watched the pages turn. There were times that I was even outside of myself during events, watching everything take place as an outsider simply trying to drink in every moment to impress upon my memory the laughter, joy, every line upon certain faces, the smell of people, the way the sun felt on my skin that day,  the sparkles in the girls eyes- every moment so in the future some small something from those seconds might occur again and spark a memory to bring me back to that same moment in time and allow me the privilege of experiencing it in my heart for just a moment all over again. I stopped taking so many pictures so I could be in the moments as they occurred, missing nothing.

I have a journal that I have kept since Heather was an infant, one night I pulled the journal out and I flipped back through the pages. I read some with intent. I have had a recurring dream in my life. I have never owned a green car because of this dream. In the dream there are 6 people in the car, we lose control of the car and only one person gets out of the car, as the car is still spinning I am able to regain control and we drive as the other person walks around in close proximity to the car. There is much more, but it is very personal; as I read the words I had written over a period of years, the same dream over and over again. Recounted  page after page for several years with emotion ranging from joy to anger. Suddenly this part made a different kind of sense. It no longer gave me an impending sense of doom, instead I understood it in a new way. This green car is life, and I simply have to take control myself. I have to learn to do things on my own a little. The good thing about it is that I know, how some of this turns out. I trust God. I trust that because everything else has been true so far, this will as well. 

I have loved the chapter of life we were in, it has been the most beautiful chapter ever written, many times I could see the Lords hand writing the words Himself. Our lives changed, we changed. All four of us are better people because of each other. Each of us must turn new pages and start a new chapter and those chapters will be different for each of us. The roles we will play for one another is going to

be changing to. This is why I have not wanted to turn the page and start writing. When God says it is time to step, you must step, otherwise He will force the issue. I have looked around at the utter chaos and finally agreed in prayer to submit. I know, I have known. When you rebel against His will for your life that's what happens. He has a plan for you, don't mess it up by using your will over His. So I close this chapter and open a new one, with both sadness and joy for each of us.

Walking Through Doors..

Months ago I was looking for new direction in life. I decided to roll the dice and follow my dream. Those that know my girls and I; know that we have a love for helping people. All kinds of people in all situations. For most of my adult life it has been my deepest desire to take my family to Africa as missionaries.  I came across a group that does just that, with a paid position open in the very place I most wanted to go, doing a job very close and personal to me. It was a position that allowed for an entire family to go. With a 24 month contract- and a possibility of extensions after 24 months.

Imagine how I felt as I read the qualifications and realized I was more than qualified. I simply needed references and letters of recommendation. I contacted people who knew me in the right capacities to write letters and give references, I spent over an hour filling out the application. As time went on and I didn't hear anything from the organization I assumed a better suited candidate was chosen, and that this was simply not Gods will for my life at this time. I admit as I came to this conclusion my heart felt a slight sting, but eventually I shrugged it off. I have an amazing job with a growing company. I enjoy my position and have some great new co-workers. I started to look to the future and see that I can grow where I am, and maybe this is where I should be right now. Everything in His time, not mine. Just as I heard in the church so many years ago, very clearly- "my time, not yours"

After I had reconciled to not going to Uganda, I received a phone call, a phone call led to an interview and the interview led to me being offered the position for my dream job. An offer was on the table, I was given time to think it over. It was like a whirlwind, the world was changing quickly, or was about to change, had the potential to change. I could hardly believe what was taking place.

What do you do? I had spent years dreaming of this moment. Suddenly I was paralyzed. Every fiber of my body screamed yes. I had more than just myself to think of though. I have two girls at home, one with intense medical needs. Despite how healthy she is there is still a very delicate balance that must be kept. The more time I spent in prayer the more obvious it became this would be the ultimate step of faith if I said yes. There were many unknowns, as I recall those first moments spent pensively considering the entire situation my heart flutters with joyful and anxious excitement, with just the memory of those moments.

I spent two weeks praying over this situation, and asked others to do the same. I needed to have peace in my heart if I said "yes" or if I said "no thank you" It was imperative to know that it was the Lords calling and it was happening within His timing. Not a trap laid by the evil one to lead me into failure and a path to feeling defeat beyond what am able to handle. I had to know I was not going to be traveling to Uganda and putting my family into danger; testing my faith and leading me to lose my passion and faith. Something even the strongest of believers can have happen given the right set of circumstances.

Every fiber of my being screamed for me to say "yes" from the moment I received the offer. Even when the reasoning voice in my head said "no" my heart said "yes" I practiced declining the position as well as accepting the position. As I did this I spent time picturing our lives in what I began to refer to as "after"  I imagined having to kick my  Starbucks skinny vanilla latte habit (gulp) that was a pretty serious obstacle for me, really. I had to skip the bucks today and I had a pretty grumbly morning. City life has certainly changed me a bit. I wondered how the girls would adjust to life without internet and electronics all the time, the possibility of no electricity either. As I half joked to myself about these things- I stopped, I realized while of course, these would be a period of adjustment; what is the goal here? Could we manage and adjust? Of course we would. We are survivors. Most people have no idea what we have endured on our way to where we are. By keeping our focus on what is important and our faith we have lived through some horrible circumstances. Living as missionaries in Uganda would certainly not be "horrible" and if that was how it was going to be viewed we shouldn't consider it. The truth is those things, Starbucks and electricity don't matter  Being where God calls us to be is what matters, that was where the words of my dear friend Pastor Charles hit me where it counts "being where God calls you to be"

During the course of my decision making process I spoke with very few people about the opportunity. I was afraid of the influence others may have over me. My heart was already so tender and emotionally I was feeling all over the place. The words of Pastor Charles were the most powerful of anyone. My feelings had been hurt by the words of some over the opportunity. People can be unintentionally cruel, and sometimes when people are scared they say things that are hurtful as well. I had to keep it in perspective when my feelings were hurt.

Where is God calling me to be? That was the question that continued in my heart and mind, it was my constant prayer. I felt certain I knew. I felt certain this position was the right direction.

When it came time to give my answer, I gave it with confidence. During the call I asked many questions; each of the responses we exactly what I needed to proceed with accepting the position.

Yes, I said yes.

As soon as I hung up the phone I felt a twinge of panic.

What had I just done?

I had just signed up for two years in Africa with my family, my family meaning the girls and I. How would we leave Andrew? This is something I think about often for a variety of reasons. Andrew and I have an amazing friendship; but certainly he wasn't going to be coming with us. I admit that the girls and I are  dependent upon Andrew as our protector, and leader and have been. It wasn't something anyone planned, it just happened. I had said yes to leaving the country, and Andrew. How would Heather manage emotionally losing Andrew for two years?

I started having second thoughts.

That weekend Heather was to compete in the State Cheer Competition; Saturday morning when Andrew arrived my heart, while joyful and filled with excitement over the day and my new opportunity, was heavy with sadness. As we celebrated Heathers milestone that day  I started to think I had made the wrong decision. I started to grasp what my girls would be losing. I knew they would be gaining much, but on a scale which was greater? At that moment the losses looked heavier.

Love and family are very important to us.

It took us a very long time to get to where we are. I am a very solitary person, but the relationships I have are very important to me.  Given a choice I would rather spend any given evening at home cooking with Andrew and the girls, watching a movie and playing Wii games, or having pillow fights, or any of the other silly things we do. Many people spend their lives searching for just a portion of what we share as friends; could I break the family unit we created up? Was this Gods will in my life? Why was I having these thoughts now so much, why did my heart feel pulled so hard to stay now? Was there something I was missing? had missed?

I spoke with Charles about how I was feeling. He continued to talk to me about how he felt I was supposed to be here, my calling was to continue advocacy within the special needs community, continue public speaking and helping others in the capacity I had been. May be in the future greater opportunities would open up. I knew he was right, I have a passion for advocacy, and I love public speaking.

In that conversation I knew he was right, but my heart still was filled with passion for the position I had accepted. In my mind my furniture had already been put in storage and the girls and I were saying good bye to friends and family. - I was torn. 

I sat down one night and I wrote a heart felt email to my new employer. In the email I declined the position. I sat staring at my computer screen and cried, I cried until there were no tears left. There came a time when I realized I was no longer crying over the position. My tears were over so much more.  I saved it as a draft. I didn't want to make an emotional decision, those are always bad. I needed to make my move rationally.

I have made my final decision, it was one of the hardest decisions have have made, but we are staying here. I am going to continue employment where I am. As I prayed I asked for clear signs about 3 issues in my life, I frequently have to say to the Lord, you know I can be pretty slow, so make this clear to me. Certainly those three things have been made clear to me, with the heavy reminder for my need to be patient.

I hit the send button on my email. It was rational, filled with emotions, but a decision made rationally.

I will cry when I talk about the opportunity, my heart will always sting when I think about it. I know in my heart this was the right choice.  Next week I will sign the lease for my apartment for another year, we have lived here for 2 years now. I laughed when I thought about it- I hate moving. I have moved 3 times in my adult life- what would moving to another country have been like- certainly a bigger nightmare than just from city to city.

I walked through a door and crawled back in the window. Now I sit on my sofa and I remind myself of the words I heard so many years ago as I knelt in tears "in my time, not yours" Patience is difficult, especially when something seems so perfect, even when it is filled with imperfections.  

A Birthday of Blessings

I received news at work Monday that generally speaking would devastate most people. The reality is that I have been praying about several situations for quite some time; it took very little time for me to

realize that this was the Lord providing me with clear direction. Do not mistake me, I am frustrated, but I trust His word and I know several things; one of those is that all things work together for the good of those who are called according to His purpose. Each of us has a purpose, a calling. Do I hear His calling in my life, I do. There are times I try to ignore it, times like Jonah I ignore Him and try to rebel. I pretend I can run away from what He is asking me to do because I feel like it is more than I can do. When I do this I find myself in the belly of a proverbial whale.

So here I am, spit out onto the shore, with the knowledge of what I must do, again.

There is always joy in the journey. I never focus to long and hard on the darkness. I try to find the light. 

Heather Riley turned 15 on Tuesday August 5th. I have had tickets to Carowinds since the start of summer. Each year we get to go as a family compliments of the Make a Wish Foundation. This is an event we look forward to all year. This year I started to realize that I was not going to be able to go with the family even though we planned to go on Heathers birthday. I was coming to the conclusion that I would have to tell Andrew and the girls I had to work and they would be spending Heathers birthday without me at the amusement park. My heart was broken over the decision, but I was confidant they would have an excellent time. Andrew has a natural ability to make sure the girls have a good time, his smile just makes people feel good.

Several events that could have been viewed as devastating occurred and I was able to go. I am not going into the details of those events, I will say this though. It was the answer to a prayer. There have been things going on that needed resolution and this gave me the clear direction that I was seeking. I have felt like a lost sheep for some time. I am also thankful for the ability to understand His word and find comfort for I know that no matter what our circumstances are the Lord is with me and will never leave me, I have strength and courage-  "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”  Deuteronomy 31:6. Knowing that and  the fact that everything is working together, good and bad for my good I am not worried, I am celebrating the moments of joy I have right now. Those moments are things like spending Heathers 15th birthday with her and other family members we had no idea we would see.

The morning we were leaving for Carowinds we discovered her half brother Travis was there with his girlfriend. Heather loves her brother, since we weren't certain we would see him we kept it a secret until we knew we would find him. We also discovered The girls cousin, Jade was there. Not only did this happen but Heathers older sister who wasn't able to make it showed up. Just after lunch our little family of five had become a family reunion of ten and a very happy group.We could never have coordinated this!  It was hard enough trying to plan a trip with just the four girls.
The day was a wonderful day of pure joy. After leaving Carowinds Heathers sister Sarah and cousin were able to spend two days with us, her brother Travis was able to come the next day and have dinner with us. It was excellent. Family is so important to Heather.  It is always amazing when you are able to look back at an event and catch a glimpse of of how the Lord is using a piece of it to work in your favor. I know there is so much more to come. No harm shall come to us, unless it is for our good. I look forward to the doors that are going to open in our future, I am curious as to which doors are going to close. No matter what I know there are great things headed our way.

A Girl Adventure, Unplanned of Course.

July 5, 2014 the girls and I slept until noon. After wiping the sleep from our eyes, we met on the porch for some "girl talk" during our discussion we decided we should do something different. The weather was beautiful, and we had the "go somewhere" bug. It took less than 10 minutes to decided that heading to the mountains for a canoe trip was a perfect way to spend the day.

Our day was slipping away, noon was upon us, Lake James is over an hour away and we all were still in jammies. We made it a game to see how quickly we could get ready. Both girls asked me to invite Andrew to join us. I agreed with the warning to both girls that not everyone can get ready at a moments notice.

Andrew did decline our offer, he had some things at home to take care of. 


 I consoled the girls by reminding them that once in a while its fun to have  "girl day". The girls and I left our apartment and set out  for an unknown adventure and lots of laughter.

We were full of anticipation as we headed to Lake James, ready to grab a canoe and relax on the lake. We were going to solve the problems of the world as we canoed the lake and floated on the water.

First things first, I have a very small intimate circle of  people I allow into my life. Years ago my soul sister gave me this CD, this special CD was a compilation of every song I loved, Michele knew without asking just which John Denver and Indigo Girls songs made me happiest, mostly because she had spend many hours listening on spur of the moment road trips with her children and mine.  Michele and I are total opposites- She plans everything to the second, I pick up and go. (not that I don't plan, but I enjoy random-ness) She was learning to relax and enjoy my carefree nature  in her "planned to the second" life. I also think deep down she started to love John Denver just as much as we did.  Its hard to beat singing along at the top of your lungs  "Country roads take me home" as you drive into the mountains, or "Get out the map" when you take random roads in unknown places when your day gets blown off course.

 Saturday the girls and I drove and sang and sang and drove, we listened to all of our favorite songs, old and new. Tradition is important to me, and is something I want both of the girls understand the importance of as well. As the miles passed  our excitement grew. We have always loved going to this particular place we are headed. Some of our best memories are from Lake James with a John Denver/Indigo Girls Sound track.  My girls grew up listening to John Denver, Enya, and Indigo Girls. They never listened to the trendy pop stars, or the latest country song to come out. Those three musicians were the core of what we listened to no matter where we went. There was of course, also the Irish Rovers with that silly unicorn song the girls all loved.

The photos above is from one of our last camping trips; I think Britt was about 7 and Heather Riley was 5. I had an amazing friend back then, Lena. Between the two of us we had 7 kids. My girls loved her like a second mother. She taught me to smile under any and all circumstances. She is the person that taught me how to love selflessly.  I learned the importance of always having love in my heart, She taught me that being bitter about my life and circumstance was not going to make the situation better, instead it just makes it worse. I would retrospectively look at our friendship and realize God was using it and the situations we found ourselves in to bring us both to Him.  I marvel at how vital the roles we played in each others lives became. The road twisted perfectly to bring us where we were meant to be. Each thorny briar in our way was necessary to shape us into who we were meant to become, or are becoming. When we lost touch I grieved over the loss of her for a long time. Seven years would pass before I would reconnect with her again. We picked up as though it had just been yesterday when we last spoke. I will always deeply love her for the many lessons we learned through one another.

Once the Girls and I arrived at the lake we knew it was too late. The last canoe was rented out, not even a single kayak was available. We were not about to let that get us down, not in the least. The day was beautiful. We could have just gone to the public access and swam, but the public swimming access area was packed and very unappealing.  We got back into the car and decided we would just drive. Sometimes the best things are unplanned adventures.

 We went sight seeing, and hiking in some very random places off the beaten path. We ultimately wanted to swim. After all we did drive to the lake in out swimsuits. So we continued on our way.  finding beauty as we went.

 

Finally we found what felt like the right place to pull over and check out a possible swimming place. 

Sure enough this was the perfect spot for swimming. It was a little difficult to get to, but it was well off the path, it was private and most of all it felt perfect. After scouting it out we grabbed all three of our floats and headed to the water.

There was no where to ease into it, the only option was to "jump in" and so we did.

.

 As I am blowing up my own float I heard Britt scream. I look over and see her doing what appears to be walking on water. It was a very odd sight to see at first glance. Then I realize she is standing on a fallen tree. I approach the situation to discover a possibly bad situation.

 

 Britt has floated over a tree and popped her float. She is a quickly sinking ship. 

Fortunately the water was shallow enough at one end that she was able to stand up. It was of course getting back up onto the bank where I was sitting that was a special challenge. 

After the float popped we decided to find something different to do.  On Fathers day we happened upon a rickety one lane bridge. On that day we chose not to cross it. The girls and I decided we wanted to take pictures and cross it. So we went looking for it. 

The bridge was rickety and very unsettling to cross, that added to the excitement as we went across.

After the bridge we decided to start back home. It was getting late and we were getting tired. There was plenty we could still find to explore as we drove home. - and we did. 

Learning to slow down and enjoy every moment. 

Britt decided to play out the lyrics to one of our favorite songs at a rest stop "get out the map, and lay your finger anywhere down"

I am not sure that we can finance a trip that far out right now.. but maybe one day soon. It sure would be fun.. For now we will stick to day trips.

 

Feeling a little disappointed that her "finger laying" didn't win a trip to the coast, we headed out for ice cream instead as we made the final few miles back to Huntersville.

After Icre cream I discovered the most bizarre out dated "thing" I gave the girls a wonderful history lesson.

A phone, a phone connected to a cord.. you even have to put money into it and push buttons.. I was greatly disappointed (not shocked though) that it did not work. I can not recall the last time I happened upon a pay phone that actually worked. I have made it a personal quest to find one that actually works. So far I have only seen them as a canvas for grafitti and geocache locations. ET wasn't able to phone home on the old fashioned phone so we jumped back into the car and headed south

 

 By the time we got home it was dinner time. We were to tired to do anything so we settled for chips, salsa and cheese dip at home. We crashed on the sofa with pillows and blankets to watch a classic movie. Heather Riley ended the night with a conversation that I thought I had escaped for the day, but in the quiet moments of our lives we all know there is something missing. Each of us in a different capacity have the same empty feelings in our hearts. I pray every night for the strength and words to comfort her, but as each day passes it gets harder and harder. I am running out of words and she is getting smarter and more vocal. 

As I do every day, I pray asking the Lord to give us all peace in our hearts and the strength to follow His will in our lives without protest or fear. This is a period in my life that it is difficult to know what I am supposed to be doing, and saying to a lot of the most important people. I take time away from the world into quiet places like the mountains, we go seeking clarity. I hate when my clarity becomes clouded with uncertainty and fear.  That little face framed with the red curls making the pouty face, I will have her for the remainder of my life, I just want to provide her love and security, and thats all she asks for as well. If only it were that simple.