No Weapon....

One of the issues in my profession has always been the the best positions are all contract based. A company signs a 6 month contract and the client may or may not resign the contract, it may be extended for 3 months, or 6 months or an additional year. Depending on the project or company you may or may not have a job at the end of that contract.

We were living in a situation prior to our move that I look back on and wonder how we survived; even then I knew it was bad and we had to get out. Sometimes still I am overcome with emotion just thinking about what we lived through and in. I cry out of guilt and shame with the realization of what I allowed my children to be exposed to, suffer with and miss out on. I felt trapped and I believed the threats and statements regarding the core of my character. I wish I had believed in myself and known the strength I really had. I sometimes wish people had known what was really going on in my home over the years. Like most women I hide my pain and suffered in silence.  We walked through an unimaginable hell, to get where we are.

When I was offered a contract job, even though I knew it was only a 6 month special project I saw it as an opened door. This was a way out. I had a network of friends in the area and I could "hide" from those that wished me harm. I never felt like their desire to hurt me was strong enough to seek me out at that time, I have since begun to question that. To this day exactly where we live is not known to many. We felt confident melting into a county with a population of  (literally) a million other people. My girls have been though enough, I wanted to just be another face in the crowd, so we became just that. It remains important that some of these people never know where we are.

That 6 month contract was enough for us to get out, the pay was low, well below industry standards but it was enough to meet our physical needs, just barely. I commuted as long as I had to; that turned out to be just a couple of pay checks to get us moved. When we moved I took nothing more than our clothes, air mattresses and  a chair. When we left we moved essentially in a single evening. I did eventually have my best friend retrieve a mattress and Heathers wardrobe, but those were the only pieces of furniture we brought. Everything else was left behind. We started new, we wanted to bring nothing from our old and negative past to this fresh start with us. - and so we didn't.

I was always concerned that project I worked on would be lost, leaving me with no income. We lived pay check to 3 days before paycheck. It was difficult, but we made it work, our hearts were happy and we felt safe and secure. It was something I had not really felt at least not in my adult life.  Weeks turned into months so I began to hope the contract may become permanent. When I felt fear creep into my heart I prayed and felt a peace come over me. The Lord reassured my heart and mind that He brought us to this place, I was given assurance through various signs that this is exactly where the girls and I are supposed to be. I was given peace, and the knowledge that we would be taken care of.

 The girls are in good schools, my best friend lives literally just around the corner. He was the first person that ever gave the girls and I a true feeling of safety within the  family setting. Even before we moved he showed us a different kind of love.

You can imagine my concern in June when I started to see the writing on the wall at work. There were so many issues. Then it happened. The contract was lost, and the world as I knew it ended. We were safe for that month, but my mind instantly went to all of the bills that I knew would start coming in. The knowledge that unemployment would take time to process and pay; even when it did the total I would get would not even pay our rent. How was I going to buy groceries, how would I make my car payments. What would I do if it was repossessed. I was devastated, but I felt calm. I had a sense that our needs would somehow be met.

For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?
 Matthew 6:25 

There have been times I wasn't sure just what I was supposed to do or where to turn and it was in those moments when seemingly out of the blue a person entered our lives with the information we

needed, or some small job I could do for cash. This crisis has been no exception, it has been exceptional, an exceptional test of faith. The thoughts trying to take root in my heart were difficult to keep out at times. As our needs were met in moments I couldn't imagine how it would happen, my faith strengthened as I watched pieces of the puzzle come together. Sometimes in the wee hours of the morning I close my eyes and think about the events of the last few weeks and can see the Lords hands again very actively at work in our life. While there are those that rejoice in the devastation we have been and are facing, some even making some untrue and unkind remarks regarding our situation. These things are nothing new to us, and while I think about this I feel the power in the words of Isiah 54:17-

No weapon that is formed against you will prosper;
And every tongue that accuses you in judgment you will condemn.
This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord,
And their vindication is from Me,” declares the Lord

Those that rejoice with voices of cruelty, yet proclaim a christian faith are the wolf in sheep clothing.

One night I was on my porch after a family conversation and just spending time with those I love. I was alone with my thoughts in the cool night air as I sat thinking I was in conversation with the Lord regarding everything, I felt a calm wash over me and just knew this was ending;  the worst was over. Even thought I had a deep sense of peace at that moment I can't tell you everything is perfect yet, but there are so many good things happening right now. Long standing issues are being resolved as though a divine hand waved and said "enough, this season in your life is over" and in a way He did.

Of course, as I say this always know none of the issues are solved by us sitting here waiting for the Lord to reach down in a divine way and fix life for us. Of course that would be nice, but that is just not how life works. We must work our issues out, and so once I took the first step to address and issue it was like dominoes started to fall. A few nights ago I stopped to think about it and it took my breath away as I thought about what set it all into motion.

God is good all the time, even when we don't or can't see it. Thank you to everyone that has lifted us up in prayer, and those that reached a hand up in our time of need.  We are still walking in dangerous financial territory for another month, but once these broken pieces are collected and placed with the others they will become a part of something beautiful. So far the other side of this looks to be more amazing than I ever imagined.

Getting Exactly What You Ask For

How many times have you uttered the words... "Lord, please give me patience"  what exactly are you expecting when you say it? I know what I wanted when I made the fatal mistake of saying those words. I wanted to be relieved of the aggravation I was feeling, I expected to be sent by way of divine intervention a peace and sense of calm. Isn't that what we are asking for when we pray for patience? We all want to be able to calmly deal with the situation at hand, not be the screaming, red faced lunatic that we are seconds from becoming as we utter those 5 words?

So those were the expectations.. what did I get when I prayed those fatal words? I got exactly what I asked for.. just not at that precise moment. What the Lord gave me were many situations that taught me how to be patient, how to humble myself into patience for situations minor and major. When I start to feel a little bit of that person I was a few years ago creeping back in and those words come into my mind I stop and remind myself of all those difficult instances I have endured in order teach me patience and I think "this really isn't so bad, I can wait" then I use that waiting time to pray, to thank the Lord for something, some small something in my life.

Which brings me to the next big thing here.. Life is full of lessons.. I am constantly learning them. God isn't like a Genie in the bottle, we can't just rub the bible, clap our hands together say a prayer and expect something to happen. I would be lying, as would most of us if I didn't say there weren't times in my life that I expected instant responses. Sometimes still that monster known as impatience rears her ugly head. 

 I have a daily prayer I say every morning, I pray for peace in my heart to follow Gods will in my life with out protest or fear. A few days ago I sat in a parking lot thinking about an elderly man, praying for those I love in my life and wondering about the future for all of us. It is hard to not have protest and fear when you have no idea which doors are opening and which doors are closing. When I first wrote this entry 2 years ago life was very different, we were starting on the path that led us here. We were certainly at a crossroad.  We are again in a time of great change, this time we are in a safe place surrounded by love and peace. Changes are different and are acceptable. They are stressful and frighting, but not in the same way as they were before we moved. Today I pray asking the Lord to open the right doors and close the wrong doors. I ask to keep the wrong people out of my life and the right ones close by and the wisdom to know the difference. I am facing several major life decisions right now once again. 

Decisions and Doors..

James 1:2-5 tells you to consider your trials all joy, that the testing produces endurance- and that we

should let the endurance have its perfect result. So we will be complete and lacking in nothing. If you need wisdom, pray and God will give you wisdom.. So here I am, opening a pandoras box. Asking for doors to be opened and closed. Knowing in my heart walking through those open doors there will be trials; trials that will truly test my faith. How do you discern an open door with testing from a closed door? If this was Hollywood a voice would boom down and tell you "HEY YOU- keep going"  or "Yo, Dummy, back off." Since this is reality we don't get any cool special effects like that. We get the pain of making bad choices and the joy of success with the right ones.

Telling Your Story...

None of us are comprised of a single story. Our lives are many stories woven together intricately to create who we become. There are moments of heroism and moments of vulnerability. When you tell your story, which ever part you chose to share tell it with your whole heart.

There are parts my story, parts of me, that I will only share with my spouse, or the person that will become my spouse when that time comes. Some things are simply to personal. There are stories, and moments, that I will share openly. Sometimes these are things others would hold tightly to themselves. Many trials we have suffered openly and we have come through them because of the sense of community, because of the love and support we received from thousands of people who prayed for us, but we never met. Currently we are in one of those periods of life. This is a time I would rather continue to hold private, but I can not. We are not doing well, and we are at the end of our rope, there are no more knots to be tied at this point. I am, as always, telling a part of our story with my whole heart. I know we will come through this and look back with a heart full of love and this too will become another piece, another part of our testimony. For those of you that have seen the link on caringbridge, this is no different, it is the same one. For others, this link is my moment of vulnerability.

A month of Near Silence.....and Why

Farmer Brown really caught me off guard, and touched me deeply. He made me realize that there are people in my life that I am failing to be the person they need, and the person God intends. We all have work to do, but it must start somewhere. I know I must take the first step. Through Farmer Brown I realized I need to make significant changes not just for myself but for them as well. Farmer Brown is not the first stranger to speak to me like this either. When we met the hitchhiker a little more than a year ago my eyes were opened to truths then as well. I was pushed into doubt and frustration at that time. With Farmer Brown I received confirmation of things I knew which caused me to begin a battle with personal demons, a lot of "whys" and even some internal refusals.

 It is important to "be still and listen" I am still, and constantly listening. Quite often receiving the message is much easier than taking the necessary action. There have been times I have felt tormented with the things the Lord has wanted me to speak or placed in my heart to do. I have reached the point in certain areas that I understand and have reached a point of acceptance, between the hitchhiker a little more than a year ago and Farmer Brown just a month ago. It was not easy to come to the place I am now, and believe me I am still struggling, so if you are around me, understand my very real silence at times. 

I realized so many things in the days after seeing Farmer Brown in the hospital parking lot. I continued to think about his words and our interaction. I needed some time to myself, some time to not "share" myself. 

I am back, I have some things to share this month. Some of the posts many of you may recognize, I feel they are worth sharing with important messages.