Failures and Triumphs

Some days as a parent I feel like a complete zero.. wait, strike that.. A lot of days I feel like a complete zero. I look around me at other families, I listen to conversations, I observe interactions between parents and children, siblings, grandparents, moms and dads, aunts and uncles. I even look at interactions online (which I know, can be, entirely false) and check out pictures of interactions. My entire life I have been intrigued with sociology.

I remember as a kid watching people and wondering not what they were doing, but why they were doing it. What caused one person to react a certain way. I felt like if I could understand the "why" it would make everyone able to function as a group better. It all boiled down to understanding. I approached my grams once with this idea because I did understand the reason for a behavior after watching someone for a period of time. I was reprimanded and told to stop making excuses for this person. As an adult this natural instinct would help me understand the unique social challenges two of my children had and one continues to face.

There is a vast difference between making excuses and taking the time to understand a person. I do not want to make excuses for anyone, I simply take time to understand, I am not quick to judge, and do not base everything off of my own life. I try to look at things from multiple angles, more than just my point of view- my opinion is really meaningless- unless you are asking me about my life experiences. Things are never simply black and white. If that were the case life would be very simple.

Each individual processes the world in his or her own unique way. We all process information based on what we know, think and feel. Those things come from many facets of our life. For example a puppy that has been loved and adored will see a person reach out their hand and feel no fear, he may get excited in anticipation of affection he has received it in the past; or a treat such as  bone or a toy coming from the hand. A hand drawn back may bring more joy as as signal of playtime. Another puppy that has known abuse will see the hand and may withdraw and whimper out of fear or become aggressive as the hand comes down;regardless of the hands intention. What if this puppy has been inconsistently treated with both kindness and malice?Will be know how to react? If you find this puppy and he growls as you what do you do? Should you smack the puppy? Or treat him with kindness? Which behavior will instill trust in a puppy that has been abused? and what if this is simply a poor behavior that needs correcting in a rough puppy? Certainly you don't want to reward the puppy for poor behavior. Only careful observation of the overall behavior of the animal will give clues as to why the pouch does what he does. People are the same way. Careful observation with no preconceived notions can tell you a lot about what is going on. Why someone does what they do, is just as important as what has been done. It is foolish to think otherwise. 

Over the last few days I have been dealing with a personal situation that has made me look inward. This situation has caused me to stop and consider my home, my life, my past, my future, and most of all my ability to be a parent. Truth of the matter is I am a failure. I fail every day. I make poor choices, I don't always do the right thing. I have wondered if I ever did do the right thing. I had a conversation that made me feel guilty for every single complaint I ever launched on Caring Bridge or Facebook, or out loud into the universe.  I was taken back to a place emotionally I never wanted to go again. I felt like I was not allowed to have thoughts or feelings like everyone else. I felt like I am supposed to keep every thought that isn't pleasant to myself. That was the moment that it clicked for me; that has been part of my failure to my children.

For years I hide everything from them. They saw so much, they saw a lot more than some kids, but there are kids that see and experience much worse (so lets not be over dramatic) What they never saw, or never knew was what I felt. To them nothing affected me. I kept everything to myself. I was able to take the harsh words, I was able to take any kind of abuse that came my way and hold my head up. I took it and moved on. The message that was sent was that this was acceptable behavior. Not only was it acceptable behavior, but I was to accept it and not complain about it, or tell anyone. Those things stayed within the confines of our home. They were never spoken about.


Children, people of all ages really, need to express their emotions, their thoughts and their feelings without judgements in a safe place. The people you love most should be those people. The ones you feel safe talking to. Your inmost angers, desires, irritations and joys should be freely shared with out the fear of being judged based on your statements. If you can't do that, then you may need to reconsider your relationships. What if, however you do not have the ability to share your feelings? What if you are paralyzed with fear when it comes to allowing anyone to see how you feel? For each of us this is an issue. We all deal with it differently. I have a child that can not express herself appropriately, so now she acts out.

What happens when you move from an environment of chaos into peace? Some people are left feeling very uncomfortable and have to create chaos. That is what we are dealing with. It was quiet for too long. One of the children is unable to maintain in the environment of peace and quiet. As a mom my heart is broken. I have tried to reconcile myself to the idea that I did everything I could, but the truth is I didn't. I could have done so many things differently. I could have lived a different life. I could have been a stronger person at various points in my life. The truth is, at the time I made each decision I did what I felt was the best for my family at that time. Hindsight is always 20/20. - and advice from the outside is always the "perfect and right" thing to do.

Tonight I can only celebrate the fact that I know where she is, I can pray that the Lord guides her heart. I can pray that as a family we get peace from our past and peace in our future. I can pray as a mom for wisdom in making decisions. I openly admit my faults, I confess I am flawed, I strive to be a better person every day, I fail, I thank God for tomorrow to try again..