Fathers Day

A couple weekends ago was Fathers Day. The girls and I started trying to figure out what to do for the father figure in their life several weeks before. It was easy to decide that simply buying another sports shirt, or shorts,or shoes or some other "disposable" was just not good enough. As I thought about the possibilities I remembered the moment I knew the girls looked at him as a father.

We still lived in Winston (2 years ago) Britt and I were at the store just picking up a few things. It was about a month before Fathers Day. Britt came to me with a card in her hand " May I get this card"  I didn't pay it much attention, she had the card facing down so I could see the price. I shrugged, feeling a slight annoyance because her biological father did/does nothing for them. The last thing I wanted to do was spend a single penny on anything for someone that... never-mind.... I said "yes, if you so desire" She smiled and went on about her business, checking out the nail polish in another isle. Once we got into the car I handed her the card "do with it what you will" She handed it back to me "read it" so I did. The moment I flipped over the card it was impossible for me to hold the tears back. I knew instantly this card was not for her biological father. I knew this card was for Andrew. The phrase "I may not have been born your kid" was followed by "but you were born to be my dad" on the inside of the card. She looked at me with anticipation, waiting to know if her selection really was alright. I composed myself enough to choke out the words "that's a beautiful card, he will love it" as I handed it back to her.  Reading those words burned that moment into my heart forever, the look on her face and the question in her own heart, the longing for real fatherly acceptance and love that she had broke my heart not only for her, but for all of the girls.  I think back to that moment often, that was a pivotal moment in her life and mine as I realized the difference someone was making- and just what his full purpose was in their lives.

Over the last couple of years I have gotten some very kind emails and I have gotten some pretty scathing ones as well in regard to the situation. Someone Posted their thoughts on Heathers caringbridge jounral not very long ago. Being someone that loves people and their thoughts I am intrigued with the idea that people in "internet" land think this small window into our lives is a glass house. Keep in mind that this blog, and even my facebook for those of you that see it- are not the whole story. Just a snapshot of what I chose to share, small excerpts and photos never will tell the full story of any life. With that being said, I think about one message in particular that was blasting me for allowing,(possibly encouraging?) Heather and Britt to love and accept this person into their hearts as a father. I read the message over and over. Trying to grasp where this person was coming from. Trying to understand what this person knew about the human condition that I was failing to understand.

 Children, especially girls need a positive male in their lives. My girls were abandoned, and even when there biological father was there he wasn't there. There are details that I will not share about the relationship between he(their biological dad) and I, or he and the girls. I never talked much about it, and I am not going to now other than to say this is not the role model they need. Out of nowhere

Andrew stepped in, God literally brought him into our lives on a prayer, and us into his life; so we could help one another.  I believe (know) this was always supposed to happen, many events in my own life led us to this place in November. I can't speak for anyone else, but  I stand firm in my belief. This is part of that purpose. So much of "our" story is very personal, we (Andrew and I) have talked about it with people face to face,together and they are brought to tears, it is a beautiful testimony of Gods saving grace and the power of family love. There are things I knew from the moment he walked into Heathers PICU and I have held those close in my heart since that time.  I did allow a stranger into my children lives in a very unique way, but not without divine guidance.

I protect my girls the best way I know how, I always have. I haven't always made the best choices, I made the best choices I knew how at the time I made them. I sit in the place I have Heather and Brittany with a strong amazing man as a role model for a father figure and mourn the fact that Toria and Sarah missed out on having this in their lives. I worry about the choices they will make with future mates as a result. They never knew quiet and peace in a home the way Heather and Britt do. Each time Andrew and I hold hands with the girls at the dinner table a piece of my heart hurts for my older girls that never knew the wholeness of a "real family," as Heather Riley refers to our family unit  when Andrew is with us.

 Over the last 16 months since the Lord directed the girls and I to where we now live. We have made  amazing memories together, be it  Disney on Ice, quiet nights at home cooking dinner  and watching movies, or more recently just sitting on the porch  and talking all evening about everything and nothing or some other adventure we have planned. We have bonded as a family. Family, being a father is not about who your genetic bond is with, Heathers own definition of a father
is someone that cares for you, teaches you things and loves you. Andrew does all of that and more. I will always wish my older girls were given the same love when they were younger. My heart aches for what they will have never known.

So, what do you do for someone to acknowledge the love and gratitude as a family you feel for their mere presence in your lives day to day? Do you do this with a new shirt and a card? I already know a card can be powerful.. I have a couple of cards I have been given in my life I cherish.. Really what do you give someone who selflessly gives of himself when sometimes you know it is more than he has emotionally, physically or otherwise; just like any parent does. He does this because he loves, not out of obligation, but pure love and strength of character. How do you show your appreciation to someone? A card certainly is nice, but those are things read once or twice sometimes pulled out and looked at but they are not lasting like the love and advice he gives. We desired something that could be cherished in the recesses of his heart and soul much like what he gives to us. It finally came to us like a strike of lightening-

A memory.

A memory is something you cherish always, and hold dear. It felt like the perfect gift. The next challenge was what kind of memory. Where do we go and what do we do?  Britt and I talked about it, I asked a few friends for suggestions, then Britt and I talked to Heather about different ideas. I wanted it to be something all three of us agreed on. We prayed about it and decided what to do. We had the day planned. A full day, and hoped it would go as planned.

One of the things the girls and I had to get past was trips as a family. In the past they were always a recipe for disaster (not in the funny national lampoons way) When it was just the kids and I we always had a good time, but when taking along a dad it meant there would be a subtext of fear and anxiety. Always worried about saying or doing something to set someone off. Even though Andrew is not that person the stress of past experiences always came back. Over the last two years we have finally gotten to a better place and are able to relax and enjoy outings.

We decided to keep our destination a secret, only giving small hints- like bring a swim suit and wear shoes for walking..

First we went to Linville Caverns. It has been years since any of us have been. It was a beautiful day for a drive into the mountains of NC. This was the first stop. Everyone enjoyed exploring the creek and taking pictures before we went into the cave.

Getting ready to head into the cave we were all excited. I was just happy to see everyone else happy, listening to them talk and seeing their joy was amazing.











                                                                    

Thanks to the snapfish behind us we got a photo of everyone together in the cave. Heather was a little less than thrilled with the water that dripped down everywhere. She is not a fan of random water droplets on her body. I had forgotten about that little detail and was not prepared for it, but she did really well considering. I was very proud of her for holding it together. There were a few things in this cave we faced but we faced together and we came out smiling,smiling and ready to move on to the next part of this wonderful day.

Part 2- Lunch-

We were hungry- and by now the guest of honor knew what was going on and where we were going. We are not very good secret keepers. Our second destination was Linville Falls for a picnic. The original plan was actually to hike to the falls after eating, but I could see that Heather was coming to the end of her grace period and needed to expel some energy in a different way. If it didn't happen and soon we would all be miserable. So we opted to head to the picnic area to enjoy lunch.

Now this is where my plans were changed. I wanted to sit with them and read some devotionals, read from Gods word at the falls. As we never made it to the place we will save this for another day. In my heart I know there is a time and place for every moment to occur. Every ear should be ready and heart receptive. If we had even attempted by that time of day.... well, it gives us a good reason to return.

After packing up lunch it was on to the final planned portion of our trip-

Lake James-

                            Britt smiling, this is what she has been waiting for all day.

   Heather Riley and Andrew are making their way to the place we have picked out for swimming.

We finally get to the perfect spot,its quiet and private. We get the floats blown up so we are ready to swim, sun bathe and just enjoy each other. So we do.

I close with one of my favorite verses is about how we need a friend in our life, how trying to manage life alone is not good. This is something that God states from the beginning of mankind, but that is the start of another blog- I end this here thankful for the most beautiful friendship anyone could ever know and thankful the girls know the love of a father as a father should be...

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
  Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:  If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!  Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?  Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.