Fathers Day

A couple weekends ago was Fathers Day. The girls and I started trying to figure out what to do for the father figure in their life several weeks before. It was easy to decide that simply buying another sports shirt, or shorts,or shoes or some other "disposable" was just not good enough. As I thought about the possibilities I remembered the moment I knew the girls looked at him as a father.

We still lived in Winston (2 years ago) Britt and I were at the store just picking up a few things. It was about a month before Fathers Day. Britt came to me with a card in her hand " May I get this card"  I didn't pay it much attention, she had the card facing down so I could see the price. I shrugged, feeling a slight annoyance because her biological father did/does nothing for them. The last thing I wanted to do was spend a single penny on anything for someone that... never-mind.... I said "yes, if you so desire" She smiled and went on about her business, checking out the nail polish in another isle. Once we got into the car I handed her the card "do with it what you will" She handed it back to me "read it" so I did. The moment I flipped over the card it was impossible for me to hold the tears back. I knew instantly this card was not for her biological father. I knew this card was for Andrew. The phrase "I may not have been born your kid" was followed by "but you were born to be my dad" on the inside of the card. She looked at me with anticipation, waiting to know if her selection really was alright. I composed myself enough to choke out the words "that's a beautiful card, he will love it" as I handed it back to her.  Reading those words burned that moment into my heart forever, the look on her face and the question in her own heart, the longing for real fatherly acceptance and love that she had broke my heart not only for her, but for all of the girls.  I think back to that moment often, that was a pivotal moment in her life and mine as I realized the difference someone was making- and just what his full purpose was in their lives.

Over the last couple of years I have gotten some very kind emails and I have gotten some pretty scathing ones as well in regard to the situation. Someone Posted their thoughts on Heathers caringbridge jounral not very long ago. Being someone that loves people and their thoughts I am intrigued with the idea that people in "internet" land think this small window into our lives is a glass house. Keep in mind that this blog, and even my facebook for those of you that see it- are not the whole story. Just a snapshot of what I chose to share, small excerpts and photos never will tell the full story of any life. With that being said, I think about one message in particular that was blasting me for allowing,(possibly encouraging?) Heather and Britt to love and accept this person into their hearts as a father. I read the message over and over. Trying to grasp where this person was coming from. Trying to understand what this person knew about the human condition that I was failing to understand.

 Children, especially girls need a positive male in their lives. My girls were abandoned, and even when there biological father was there he wasn't there. There are details that I will not share about the relationship between he(their biological dad) and I, or he and the girls. I never talked much about it, and I am not going to now other than to say this is not the role model they need. Out of nowhere

Andrew stepped in, God literally brought him into our lives on a prayer, and us into his life; so we could help one another.  I believe (know) this was always supposed to happen, many events in my own life led us to this place in November. I can't speak for anyone else, but  I stand firm in my belief. This is part of that purpose. So much of "our" story is very personal, we (Andrew and I) have talked about it with people face to face,together and they are brought to tears, it is a beautiful testimony of Gods saving grace and the power of family love. There are things I knew from the moment he walked into Heathers PICU and I have held those close in my heart since that time.  I did allow a stranger into my children lives in a very unique way, but not without divine guidance.

I protect my girls the best way I know how, I always have. I haven't always made the best choices, I made the best choices I knew how at the time I made them. I sit in the place I have Heather and Brittany with a strong amazing man as a role model for a father figure and mourn the fact that Toria and Sarah missed out on having this in their lives. I worry about the choices they will make with future mates as a result. They never knew quiet and peace in a home the way Heather and Britt do. Each time Andrew and I hold hands with the girls at the dinner table a piece of my heart hurts for my older girls that never knew the wholeness of a "real family," as Heather Riley refers to our family unit  when Andrew is with us.

 Over the last 16 months since the Lord directed the girls and I to where we now live. We have made  amazing memories together, be it  Disney on Ice, quiet nights at home cooking dinner  and watching movies, or more recently just sitting on the porch  and talking all evening about everything and nothing or some other adventure we have planned. We have bonded as a family. Family, being a father is not about who your genetic bond is with, Heathers own definition of a father
is someone that cares for you, teaches you things and loves you. Andrew does all of that and more. I will always wish my older girls were given the same love when they were younger. My heart aches for what they will have never known.

So, what do you do for someone to acknowledge the love and gratitude as a family you feel for their mere presence in your lives day to day? Do you do this with a new shirt and a card? I already know a card can be powerful.. I have a couple of cards I have been given in my life I cherish.. Really what do you give someone who selflessly gives of himself when sometimes you know it is more than he has emotionally, physically or otherwise; just like any parent does. He does this because he loves, not out of obligation, but pure love and strength of character. How do you show your appreciation to someone? A card certainly is nice, but those are things read once or twice sometimes pulled out and looked at but they are not lasting like the love and advice he gives. We desired something that could be cherished in the recesses of his heart and soul much like what he gives to us. It finally came to us like a strike of lightening-

A memory.

A memory is something you cherish always, and hold dear. It felt like the perfect gift. The next challenge was what kind of memory. Where do we go and what do we do?  Britt and I talked about it, I asked a few friends for suggestions, then Britt and I talked to Heather about different ideas. I wanted it to be something all three of us agreed on. We prayed about it and decided what to do. We had the day planned. A full day, and hoped it would go as planned.

One of the things the girls and I had to get past was trips as a family. In the past they were always a recipe for disaster (not in the funny national lampoons way) When it was just the kids and I we always had a good time, but when taking along a dad it meant there would be a subtext of fear and anxiety. Always worried about saying or doing something to set someone off. Even though Andrew is not that person the stress of past experiences always came back. Over the last two years we have finally gotten to a better place and are able to relax and enjoy outings.

We decided to keep our destination a secret, only giving small hints- like bring a swim suit and wear shoes for walking..

First we went to Linville Caverns. It has been years since any of us have been. It was a beautiful day for a drive into the mountains of NC. This was the first stop. Everyone enjoyed exploring the creek and taking pictures before we went into the cave.

Getting ready to head into the cave we were all excited. I was just happy to see everyone else happy, listening to them talk and seeing their joy was amazing.











                                                                    

Thanks to the snapfish behind us we got a photo of everyone together in the cave. Heather was a little less than thrilled with the water that dripped down everywhere. She is not a fan of random water droplets on her body. I had forgotten about that little detail and was not prepared for it, but she did really well considering. I was very proud of her for holding it together. There were a few things in this cave we faced but we faced together and we came out smiling,smiling and ready to move on to the next part of this wonderful day.

Part 2- Lunch-

We were hungry- and by now the guest of honor knew what was going on and where we were going. We are not very good secret keepers. Our second destination was Linville Falls for a picnic. The original plan was actually to hike to the falls after eating, but I could see that Heather was coming to the end of her grace period and needed to expel some energy in a different way. If it didn't happen and soon we would all be miserable. So we opted to head to the picnic area to enjoy lunch.

Now this is where my plans were changed. I wanted to sit with them and read some devotionals, read from Gods word at the falls. As we never made it to the place we will save this for another day. In my heart I know there is a time and place for every moment to occur. Every ear should be ready and heart receptive. If we had even attempted by that time of day.... well, it gives us a good reason to return.

After packing up lunch it was on to the final planned portion of our trip-

Lake James-

                            Britt smiling, this is what she has been waiting for all day.

   Heather Riley and Andrew are making their way to the place we have picked out for swimming.

We finally get to the perfect spot,its quiet and private. We get the floats blown up so we are ready to swim, sun bathe and just enjoy each other. So we do.

I close with one of my favorite verses is about how we need a friend in our life, how trying to manage life alone is not good. This is something that God states from the beginning of mankind, but that is the start of another blog- I end this here thankful for the most beautiful friendship anyone could ever know and thankful the girls know the love of a father as a father should be...

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
  Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:  If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!  Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?  Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

The Button

As I sat alone in my thoughts for a few moments while both girls were gone doing their own things I was thankful for the quiet after a horrible day; my peace bubble was burst as Heather and Ixcel came in the door with Heathers Mic Key button in hand, fully inflated. Those that know me know all to well that stomach issue are my weakness. The mick key button has been my nemesis since it was introduced into the family. We have been fortunate that Heather has never had problems with it; until tonight. 

I had just been reflecting how perfectly the day was ending despite how bad it had been, Heather was at her best friends house, a friend she was sad she hadn't seen in a couple of weeks. Ixcel showed up at the door with perfect timing on one of the worst days we have had. Ixcel was also having a very bad, sad day. Ixcel's cousin is moving with her mom back to Mexico. Heather and Ixcel left to go play, and all seemed right in the world for a moment.

Heather and Ixcel were playing at her apartment having a good time, enjoying the final hours Jasmine would be here before her big move. During some typical girl playing the button came out. The world stopped spinning- I was shocked at how calmly the girls came home, tube in hand They both were calmer than I felt.  In my mind I knew exactly what had to do- Plans A-B- and even C- I quickly ran through all of them in my mind.

-We started with Plan A-

I got Heather to lay down. Instantly I attempted to pop the tube back in, no lube, just get it back in quickly. No, such luck. From the sound of it there was possibility that the tube was inside Heathers shirt before they noticed it. Plan A failed.

I moved to Plan B

I am now in a slight panic more than I had been previously (keep in mind, I can deal with a status seizure- not this little tube or vomit- very calmly)  Heather is expressing that it hurts and her anxiety level is up, no doubt feeding off of my own anxiety level. Ixcel is talking calmly to Heather about random things to take her mind off of the situation (very mature for a 13 year old) Because of this I get the lidocain and apply it liberally to what I thought was her stoma. As we waited for the numbing to take place we talked about a sleep over the girls have been planning. After what felt like enough time had passed I attempted to put her tube back in. Now, I am not sure at what point Heather planned on telling me what she had to have known from the moment I put the cream on her body; maybe she was enjoying the fact that her mother was being a total blonde airhead- but- as I attempted to simply pop the tube into what I thought was her stoma - I am cramming, shoving and thinking to myself "wow, this cream really did numb her up well, she isn't even flinching" Heather speaks up after a good 30 seconds and
ruins my self confidence. "mom, thats my belly button"- that is right.. go back and look at the pictures again. The cream on her skin is all over her belly button in both pictures. I admit, I really am a airhead blonde!

 Obviously the tube will not go into her belly button. You can't call re-doing the above steps on the real stoma as Plan C- so we attempted this on the stoma. Unfortunately the button would not go in no matter how hard I pushed, twisted and shoved. Heather flinched and cried even with the numbing cream.  I could feel that the stoma had already started to close. It was time to move to Plan C- not ideal...





-Plan C-

The ER- I sent Ixcel home, Heather got her shoes on. I put real clothes on. Heather made the realization that we were headed to the hospital I saw panic on her face.I had to assure her she was going to be fine. She had to know where Andrew was and if he was coming. I figured this was going to be a really quick trip and there was no need to call in reinforcements. The hospital is less than a mile from our home. We left, trying to get there quickly.  As Heather and I approached the stop light Heather exclaims "THERE IS ANDREW" Sure enough, it was Andrews truck she spotted, we drove right past Andrew as he turned the opposite way. I listened to her constantly tell me to text him. Personally I think she just wanted to see him put a glove on his head like he does so well. It wasn't until after I promised her I would text him that she was calm.


As we arrived I clearly explained  to the triage nurse that her button had been out for about 30 minutes and I was certain it was starting to close- I explained that we needed to get a foley into the stoma quickly, at least until she is seen. They seated us, and we waited. I give them credit for taking her back quickly- Once in the back we waited, and waited and waited.. I did send Andrew a text, he said he was on the way. This was Heather before Andrew arrived. 

  All she needed for a smile was a man with a glove on his head; a man that loves her like a daughter. Its amazing how she lights up when he comes into the room, no matter what room it is. I love it when she fakes a smile to cover her real smile, trying to be "mad" about having her picture taken.. Thats a classic Heather Riley move. We love her and despite how tired we are. Making moments like this easier on her is what we do. Dancing to "embarrass her, making faces and yes, even wearing gloves as hats. I look at this picture and I see how tired Andrews eyes are. I am thankful (albeit a tad guilty feeling) there are no pitcures of myself to show how tired and stressed I was that night..

                                                                                                                                                  

So We played around with Heather and waited, and waited and waited, long past the 2 hours you have before a stoma of this type will certainly begin to close. Finally the doctor came in. A doctor that looked exactly like Flint from Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs

When I had this thought in my own mind it was easy to be an adult about the situation. Once I shared the thought with Andrew, keeping a straight face was much harder. I looked at Dr.Flint and had a tough time listening to him and not seeing this guy.

The whole night was a bizzare experience. What should have been a quick fix turned into something as comical as Dr.Flint Lockwood coming into Heather room. She finally got the foley in to hold her stoma opened. She had to be sent home with it since the button wouldn't go back in. They wanted to do an x-ray to make sure it was in the correct place. I was almost afraid to let them take since they didn't seem to know what they were doing. First they were going to take her for a CT scan, they they were going to take her for a central line placement. When they finally did the x ray the contrast was put into the balloon of the foley and the procedure had to be redone. At the end of it all I just had to laugh (which I had to stifle as Dr.Flint talked) I was aggravated with the whole situation since it was all avoidable. We have determined we are just going to drive to uptown in the future and take her to the main children's hospital. It is only 12 miles.

So, Heather had to go home with a long foley catheter in her belly instead of her button. No one was happy. Andrew and I were concerned about her not being able to attend the multi-sports camp she was so excited about going to that starts on Monday. While we were there Andrew asked Heather several times if she would allow him to try to get her button back in, but she wouldn't. We were getting desperate. In the past year he has been the only one she will let change her button. It seemed logical he might be the one to get it in. Maybe she would be calmer when he did it. She was not going to let anyone touch her that night so in the back of my mind I was already working on Plan D. This foley was not acceptable.  

Plan D-

The girls and I slept until late Saturday morning, almost afternoon really. When we did wake up I spoke with Heather we talked calmly about trying once more to get her button back in. Together she and I prayed about it. Slowly we took about 45 minutes total to get the button in, but it happened. She and I both screamed with joy and celebrated. We invited Andrew over for a steak dinner, made a fort in the living room and watched a movie. I don't think I have ever been so thankful to pop a button in her belly since she got the thing

This whole ordeal was just a mess- and happened on the one of our worst days Heather, Brittany and I have had since we moved here, but that is another story for another day.

Starting Summer

Just a few days left before summer vacation starts for the girls. Heather seems to have big plans for everyone, not realizing that as adults we have responsibilities. I would like nothing more than to be able to take the summer off and spend it with she, Brittany and Andrew. Truth of the matter is Andrew and I both can't do the things Heather has planned. We have to work since those money trees aren't growing.  I have yet to win more than just a couple of dollars (literally $2) with scratch off lottery tickets.So its off to work every day for us adults while Heather chills here with her new nurse; even Britt has a part time job to head off to.

Heather values family time greatly, that has become more and more evident over the last two weeks. She wants quiet family time more than she has in the past.  I have noticed over the last couple of weeks that Heather would rather spend time on the porch sitting on laps and snuggling opposed to watching movies or playing video games. I love to see the look of love, peace and joy on her face, I cherish the way she giggles and makes jokes curled up in Andrews lap during these moments. The moments that we share are simple times I capture in my heart and mind. Times I could never have imagined. These are times I would love to go back and be able to give to her older sisters. Every child needs to be loved and never to question it from either parent.

One of the many things Heather wants to do is go camping. When the girls were younger I always took them camping. Our greatest Summer memories are from camping at Lake James. Many summer nights we spent in a tent out by a fire. I loved those times with my girls.

I look back at the trips the girls and I took, the laughs we had. Those trips were our escape from the world we lived in. It was always just us girls. Our trips were filled with the laughter and love, something we craved and needed desperately. The last two years of our lives have been drastically different, getting progressively better with each passing day. We have talked about camping again; with great excitement.

When the girls and I have alone time I love to listen to the things they hold quietly in their hearts about family. The desires they have. Sometimes I find it difficult to not share these moments since they are about someone else very important; but I don't want to violate their trust by sharing. There are times I want to verbally embrace someone with love and the secret desires, hopes and dreams that have been shared in the quiet moments of open reflection.  Sometimes I try to stutter out in partially poorly constructed phrases that likely make little sense, in my heart I pray that the message I am trying to convey reaches the heart and mind of the one I am speaking to, but at the end of the conversation I realize my comments were simply to vague.

We are going to have a wonderful summer, the Lord has blessed us, even through our trials He was blessing us. As I sit on the porch late at night after everyone has gone to bed I look up at the heavens, I have long contemplative conversations with the Lord in those moments. I have been given insight into many things in these moments.. I love the quiet. I love the summer and everything about it..