Months ago I was looking for new direction in life. I decided to roll the dice and follow my dream. Those that know my girls and I; know that we have a love for helping people. All kinds of people in all situations. For most of my adult life it has been my deepest desire to take my family to Africa as missionaries. I came across a group that does just that, with a paid position open in the very place I most wanted to go, doing a job very close and personal to me. It was a position that allowed for an entire family to go. With a 24 month contract- and a possibility of extensions after 24 months.
Imagine how I felt as I read the qualifications and realized I was more than qualified. I simply needed references and letters of recommendation. I contacted people who knew me in the right capacities to write letters and give references, I spent over an hour filling out the application. As time went on and I didn't hear anything from the organization I assumed a better suited candidate was chosen, and that this was simply not Gods will for my life at this time. I admit as I came to this conclusion my heart felt a slight sting, but eventually I shrugged it off. I have an amazing job with a growing company. I enjoy my position and have some great new co-workers. I started to look to the future and see that I can grow where I am, and maybe this is where I should be right now. Everything in His time, not mine. Just as I heard in the church so many years ago, very clearly- "my time, not yours"
After I had reconciled to not going to Uganda, I received a phone call, a phone call led to an interview and the interview led to me being offered the position for my dream job. An offer was on the table, I was given time to think it over. It was like a whirlwind, the world was changing quickly, or was about to change, had the potential to change. I could hardly believe what was taking place.
What do you do? I had spent years dreaming of this moment. Suddenly I was paralyzed. Every fiber of my body screamed yes. I had more than just myself to think of though. I have two girls at home, one with intense medical needs. Despite how healthy she is there is still a very delicate balance that must be kept. The more time I spent in prayer the more obvious it became this would be the ultimate step of faith if I said yes. There were many unknowns, as I recall those first moments spent pensively considering the entire situation my heart flutters with joyful and anxious excitement, with just the memory of those moments.
I spent two weeks praying over this situation, and asked others to do the same. I needed to have peace in my heart if I said "yes" or if I said "no thank you" It was imperative to know that it was the Lords calling and it was happening within His timing. Not a trap laid by the evil one to lead me into failure and a path to feeling defeat beyond what am able to handle. I had to know I was not going to be traveling to Uganda and putting my family into danger; testing my faith and leading me to lose my passion and faith. Something even the strongest of believers can have happen given the right set of circumstances.
Every fiber of my being screamed for me to say "yes" from the moment I received the offer. Even when the reasoning voice in my head said "no" my heart said "yes" I practiced declining the position as well as accepting the position. As I did this I spent time picturing our lives in what I began to refer to as "after" I imagined having to kick my Starbucks skinny vanilla latte habit (gulp) that was a pretty serious obstacle for me, really. I had to skip the bucks today and I had a pretty grumbly morning. City life has certainly changed me a bit. I wondered how the girls would adjust to life without internet and electronics all the time, the possibility of no electricity either. As I half joked to myself about these things- I stopped, I realized while of course, these would be a period of adjustment; what is the goal here? Could we manage and adjust? Of course we would. We are survivors. Most people have no idea what we have endured on our way to where we are. By keeping our focus on what is important and our faith we have lived through some horrible circumstances. Living as missionaries in Uganda would certainly not be "horrible" and if that was how it was going to be viewed we shouldn't consider it. The truth is those things, Starbucks and electricity don't matter Being where God calls us to be is what matters, that was where the words of my dear friend Pastor Charles hit me where it counts "being where God calls you to be"
During the course of my decision making process I spoke with very few people about the opportunity. I was afraid of the influence others may have over me. My heart was already so tender and emotionally I was feeling all over the place. The words of Pastor Charles were the most powerful of anyone. My feelings had been hurt by the words of some over the opportunity. People can be unintentionally cruel, and sometimes when people are scared they say things that are hurtful as well. I had to keep it in perspective when my feelings were hurt.
Where is God calling me to be? That was the question that continued in my heart and mind, it was my constant prayer. I felt certain I knew. I felt certain this position was the right direction.
When it came time to give my answer, I gave it with confidence. During the call I asked many questions; each of the responses we exactly what I needed to proceed with accepting the position.
Yes, I said yes.
As soon as I hung up the phone I felt a twinge of panic.
What had I just done?
I had just signed up for two years in Africa with my family, my family meaning the girls and I. How would we leave Andrew? This is something I think about often for a variety of reasons. Andrew and I have an amazing friendship; but certainly he wasn't going to be coming with us. I admit that the girls and I are dependent upon Andrew as our protector, and leader and have been. It wasn't something anyone planned, it just happened. I had said yes to leaving the country, and Andrew. How would Heather manage emotionally losing Andrew for two years?
I started having second thoughts.
That weekend Heather was to compete in the State Cheer Competition; Saturday morning when Andrew arrived my heart, while joyful and filled with excitement over the day and my new opportunity, was heavy with sadness. As we celebrated Heathers milestone that day I started to think I had made the wrong decision. I started to grasp what my girls would be losing. I knew they would be gaining much, but on a scale which was greater? At that moment the losses looked heavier.
Love and family are very important to us.
It took us a very long time to get to where we are. I am a very solitary person, but the relationships I have are very important to me. Given a choice I would rather spend any given evening at home cooking with Andrew and the girls, watching a movie and playing Wii games, or having pillow fights, or any of the other silly things we do. Many people spend their lives searching for just a portion of what we share as friends; could I break the family unit we created up? Was this Gods will in my life? Why was I having these thoughts now so much, why did my heart feel pulled so hard to stay now? Was there something I was missing? had missed?
I spoke with Charles about how I was feeling. He continued to talk to me about how he felt I was supposed to be here, my calling was to continue advocacy within the special needs community, continue public speaking and helping others in the capacity I had been. May be in the future greater opportunities would open up. I knew he was right, I have a passion for advocacy, and I love public speaking.
In that conversation I knew he was right, but my heart still was filled with passion for the position I had accepted. In my mind my furniture had already been put in storage and the girls and I were saying good bye to friends and family. - I was torn.
I sat down one night and I wrote a heart felt email to my new employer. In the email I declined the position. I sat staring at my computer screen and cried, I cried until there were no tears left. There came a time when I realized I was no longer crying over the position. My tears were over so much more. I saved it as a draft. I didn't want to make an emotional decision, those are always bad. I needed to make my move rationally.
I have made my final decision, it was one of the hardest decisions have have made, but we are staying here. I am going to continue employment where I am. As I prayed I asked for clear signs about 3 issues in my life, I frequently have to say to the Lord, you know I can be pretty slow, so make this clear to me. Certainly those three things have been made clear to me, with the heavy reminder for my need to be patient.
I hit the send button on my email. It was rational, filled with emotions, but a decision made rationally.
I will cry when I talk about the opportunity, my heart will always sting when I think about it. I know in my heart this was the right choice. Next week I will sign the lease for my apartment for another year, we have lived here for 2 years now. I laughed when I thought about it- I hate moving. I have moved 3 times in my adult life- what would moving to another country have been like- certainly a bigger nightmare than just from city to city.
I walked through a door and crawled back in the window. Now I sit on my sofa and I remind myself of the words I heard so many years ago as I knelt in tears "in my time, not yours" Patience is difficult, especially when something seems so perfect, even when it is filled with imperfections.
