This is the prayer I have prayed for years, longer than I can remember actually. The same words over and over and over. I don't wake up and face the day without asking the Lord to meet this vital need, I dare not lay my head down at night without asking for it as well.
One day about a year ago I realized I had been granted what I was asking for and I should THANK
God for giving me what my selfish greedy human heart was continuing to ask for day in and day out.
I woke up and
it was as if a jolt of electricity had hit me the realization darted
through my thick skull; through so many of lifes storms I had been given
the peace I so desperately pleaded for, not just peace but a grace to
walk through those storms and show others His love and give them hope
through our journey. I realized how so many times the Lord had provided a
way for my family when there seemed to not be a way and in those
moments when things looked darkest ultimately I had calm in my heart.
Looking back I found peace in situations without Gods hand over me it would not have been possible to have had a moment of rest for my heart.I stopped in that moment - had I thanked God every day that he was giving me exactly what I was praying so fervently for? Of course I was thanking him along the way for my blessings, as we certainly should; but was I thanking Him for answering my prayer as He so obviously had been all along? I had not been, and certainly that had to change.
I also realized I had been following His will for my life without protest for quite some time. "Without protest" and "without question, or hesitation" are definitely two different things. So many times in my life's journey I have felt the Holy Spirit nudging me in a direction and I have felt hesitant to make a move, or questioned if I should do something. I stopped protesting quite some time ago. I learned its a road to nowhere, God will continue placing you onto a path that leads you in His direction when you are His children. We are slow sometimes, it takes a lot for us to see what may be right in front of us at times. "The hardest things to learn are the least complicated" (yes, those are song lyrics) When God says to step you step in that direction. It comes down to timing and delivery now and then. Not long ago I was willing, ready, and planning to move my entire family to Uganda. Sometimes I think about that and I still feel a sadness, do I think this is a calling the Lord has for me? Yes, the timing is just not right. There are other things in my life I still have to do right here, right now. A confession of my own, I was running away from some of it. Sometimes the challenge feels to big, and sometimes the inevitable heart ache will be too big as well, so running a continent away just felt right.
Along the road many people have emailed me, and spoken with me about our life, how my ability to speak up and share experiences has helped them. It has not always been easy for me to share pieces of myself, but I have, at times, felt a calling to share certain things. I knew there was someone that needed to "hear" something I was going to share- be it online or in spoken word. This was part of his Will. There are many people that have touched me deeply by simply sending an email about how they found profound meaning in something I wrote, said, or did. I believe our trials have purpose, I know there are people who have come to Him through our lives. It is never my intention to be profound, I am simply myself. I am incredibly flawed; I am clay constantly being molded and remolded into something new.
I have listened and followed His voice to the best of my ability. When I felt I was supposed to turn away from something I did, no matter how hard it was.This is currently where we are in our lives. There are a great many things in our lives creating clutter. Many people noticed over the last week or so I am no longer on Facebook. I have a hundred reasons for leaving, and I doubt I will ever go back.
Those that are close to my family sometimes think I am "uptight" about certain things. Maybe so, if I babysit your children, or you spend time in my home expect to be subjected to a few hours of my quiet nature. Sitting on a porch, and talking instead of watch hours of TV or having inappropriate music playing in the background while young children "twerk" and adults laugh (I can't stand the idea of it). Why? Simply because society has changed -does not mean that the Lord has. What is right and proper remains right and proper.
Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.
- Matthew 713-14
Why even mention this? Because, I ask the Lord to provide me with peace in my heart on a daily basis. How can any of us have peace in our hearts when we fill our minds and hearts with things that are everything but peaceful? I am trying very hard to get both the girls and myself to a better place emotionally and spiritually. Taking away negativity that world bombards us with constantly is where we are at now.
Thanking God for answering my simple prayer is something I have needed to do, humans are such selfish creatures, self centered and selfish by nature. It is a mercy that the Lord loves us and understands our nature. We are blessed to have a loving Father to always turn to. One that loves us unconditionally and will always be there regardless of what we are and have done, even when we are at our most unlovable.
So I now remember to praise Him, and thank Him for answering my prayer, for giving me sufficient grace to get through life's hardest moments for taking away from fear and allowing me to follow His will for my life without too much protest.
