The Power of Words

 

Words have the power to hurt and the power to heal. 

                                                 A single word can empower or destroy.

When talking, or writing how carefully do you think about the words you use in every day conversation? How much thought goes into the impact a single word may have upon another person.

In the last few weeks words have caused me a few headaches and heartaches.

I have a neighbor. Lets call him Romeo. Romeo and I have a deal. I will help him with English if he helps me with Spanish. This past Sunday at the pool we were doing what we normally do, laying in the sun and talking about nothing and everything in both Spanish and English. Romeo asks about the word wonder How can you explain wonder to someone? Wonder can be a noun or a verb and as either it has multiple meanings. Explain it to someone with limited ability in english while you have limited ability in their language. It was a very long circular conversation that involved the phrase "like wonderful without -ful?" posed as a question, quite a bit. As much as I want to say that learning Spanish has been hard, it was in that moment that I realized just how frustrating the English language is with all the words and rules and multiple meanings a single word may have.

Words and their meanings..

Its no wonder that people get angry with each other over text messages and emails. A single missed period, or comma, or horrible auto correct by your phone or computer can be a disaster. The worst of all- human interpretation of anothers meaning behind a single written line can spell disaster.

For example- just what does this statement mean? 

"I didn't say you stole the book"

who knows right? Unless you and I are talking to one another.
That phrase could mean many things, it might mean someone else implied you stole the book, or that I didn't verbally implicate you in the theft of a book. Or simply that you sole something, but not a book. The words we chose and the way we chose to say them can make or break a situation. While this is a small example I am certain each of us could think of moments in our own lives when this situation has occurred.  We need to think about it a moment, ask for clarification and stop being so quick to react.

A few years ago I was involved in a situation that really began to bother me. I admit that I possibly chose the wrong words in the given situation and as a result four years later I am still paying the price.

When you are interacting with people online my advice to each and everyone of you is to keep several things in mind. These are very important things regarding the words you read about the lives people lead. One of those is that you do not know who people are and their level of mental stability. Online each of us is represented by nothing more than our own written word. I could write and tell each of you anything about me and it may or may not be true. I could create an entire mythical life dragging your hearts into it with my words and even pictures illustrating it, because as we all know a photograph is nothing more than a snapshot of any single moment in time.

Put a caption to this yourself:

Its hard to say at this point in time what was really going on. I know at the time I probably assumed she was having a seizure, but I think she was actually watching TV that was mounted to the wall. The picture below is certainly a seizure-

If you compare the two pictures you can tell which one is a seizure and which is not. The point is a picture presented to an unsuspecting audience crafted with the right words can give a nice slice of "lie pie" and sadly people eat it.  (oh, wait- I am actually pretty sure they are both seizures, hmm- see how confusing the captions (words) on a photo can be?) Unfortunately there are people that do this intentionally; like I just did to prove a point. That is just another illustration of the power of words. People use words to heal hurts they have in their own lives while hurting others in their path.

In the years I have been "in the club" of special needs parents I have watched entire support communities destroyed because of this type of behavior. There was once a very caring and active support community that I was involved in. I believe Heather Riley was about 3 years old when I joined "Brain Talk". A group within that community fell apart due to a a couple of people that came in and used language to trap many of us into believe things that simply were not true about their families and children. Many people invested their hearts into these individuals. You feel emotionally raped when you discover a person has been lying, after the discovery an online group is left with a sort of emotional herpes.Individually a cynicism develops that never goes away for a lot of  people. After several months many of the members just stopped posting, and most people left, we were able to find one another on Facebook eventually.

I spent many years supporting parents and caregivers guiding them through their journey. Assisting with services and just being a listening ear. One thing I discovered on my journey was how lonely it is.  No one desired to hear the words I needed to use to describe my feelings. I can empathize with people on this path no one chooses. I have always had a natural ability to listen and understand. So I did.

Until recently.

Over the years I have had a few runs ins with people that you could describe as having a broken moral compass. Because of a single person I met four years ago, the worst judge of character I ever made I have decided to no longer openly give my phone number to strangers, or respond to emails and facebook messages, or letters, or even talk to people that approach me in public.

Words can destroy and should always be used with caution.

I used a lot of words every day. I talk, I write, I read, I love language and communication. I am highly interested in how people interact with each other. I understand the power of words I have stood on stage in front of hundreds of people and heard their applause. I have felt the power words have in those moments.

  I chose to use words with honesty and integrity, people know when you are face to face with them and you are being genuine. You can't always hide behind a screen. Words are powerful, but so is the reality hidden behind words you speak.

The Only Constant is Change

There are very few statements truer than this. Especially in our life. Each time we become comfortable with something a storm rolls in with the winds of change causing mass destruction. Suddenly we are forced to rebuild the things we worked diligently to build. The lesson I have learned from these storms was a slow lesson to learn but became clear over time- what we built was either poorly built or was just a temporary structure. 

Some of those rebuilds have been refreshing and welcomed, but others have been heart wrenching and felt like the end of the world, at times the process has been a mixed bag of what felt like pure insanity- as if an F5 tonado met Huricanne Katrina met Sharknado and decided to come visit our home for a while but within the choas were always moments that allowed us to see the pure side of humanity. 

In our storms the Lord reached his Hand down through the actions of others and restored my faith. Our storms were the tool at times to show the world that same thing. No storm (be it natural or personal) is without meaning and purpose. 

For the last couple of months the girls and I have been facing some demons from our past and not dancing in the rain very well. Privately we were drowning and no one knew it just how bad things were. I admit a few people knew a few things. No one has ever been aware of the full scope. I don't talk about everything with the few people I speak with daily even though at times I want to; One of the reasons I have failed to blog recently has been the urge to "spill my guts" writing is very therapeutic there is something to be said for how it feels when you"get it all out" but I also feel like it could invalidate some of the things that happen so often. 

When I close my eyes and say "God you know my need" and out of the blue I get an email from someone I have not heard from in months, and in this email they have words that are simple but perfect; I know this is God moving. I am reminded that He is there and is moving in my life as well as using my life to move others. There have been times I have received something in the mail and it was a need met, a need someone had no way of knowing was unmet.

Recently I read something about needs v/s Desires. I am always talking to my girls about that subject. It is important to know the difference between a need and a desire. Is it easy to define what a "basic" human need is? If you ask 10 people you are likely to get 10 different responses depending on who these people are. 

According to Maslow (in the 50's) there is a 5 stage model of basic needs.

1- Biological and Physiological Needs; this is - air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, sex, sleep.

2- Safety Needs- security, order, law, stability, freedom from fear

3- Social Needs- belonging- affection and love; from work group family and friends, romantic relationships.

4-Esteme Needs-achievement, mastery, independence, status, prestige, self respect, respect from others. 

5- Self Actualization- realizing personal potential, self fulfillment, seeking personal growth. 

If we were in the nice simple times of the 50's and someone asked what basic needs were and how to met those basic needs what would you say? Is it correct to say that if you have food, shelter and clothing you have your needs met? Are human needs that simple? According to this psychologist, no, human needs are not that simple. We need love and affection, we seek recognition, and to recognize others. We must feel safe and secure. As humans we need each other. That was how God created us. Multiple times the Lord states in scripture that people need companionship. I wish I could recall the exact number of times, I want to quote 7, but I can not verify that at this moment. So anyone that wants to challenge me- please do.

Back to the Hierarchy of Needs; again, the only constant is change- so years later we have a few more "basic human needs" - now there are 7, or 8. Humans like to complicate things- even "basic" things.

The only constant is change. 

As the girls and I have been riding out this major storm we have taken a long hard look at what our actual needs are. Are all of our needs really met? no, but will we survive? yes.  There are evenings we sit on the sofa and talk about what it might look like on the other side of the storm. How we may breathe easy, what we might do. Its funny the things the girls want to do. Simple things. Its funny their desires are really needs; Not that they don't have typical frivolous desires (like designer jeans, and all the others things teens desire.)We are aware of our unmet needs and what our desires are.  Knowing the difference is important and keeping it in perspective is likely the most important part of this storm season.

A Girl Adventure, Unplanned of Course.

July 5, 2014 the girls and I slept until noon. After wiping the sleep from our eyes, we met on the porch for some "girl talk" during our discussion we decided we should do something different. The weather was beautiful, and we had the "go somewhere" bug. It took less than 10 minutes to decided that heading to the mountains for a canoe trip was a perfect way to spend the day.

Our day was slipping away, noon was upon us, Lake James is over an hour away and we all were still in jammies. We made it a game to see how quickly we could get ready. Both girls asked me to invite Andrew to join us. I agreed with the warning to both girls that not everyone can get ready at a moments notice.

Andrew did decline our offer, he had some things at home to take care of. 


 I consoled the girls by reminding them that once in a while its fun to have  "girl day". The girls and I left our apartment and set out  for an unknown adventure and lots of laughter.

We were full of anticipation as we headed to Lake James, ready to grab a canoe and relax on the lake. We were going to solve the problems of the world as we canoed the lake and floated on the water.

First things first, I have a very small intimate circle of  people I allow into my life. Years ago my soul sister gave me this CD, this special CD was a compilation of every song I loved, Michele knew without asking just which John Denver and Indigo Girls songs made me happiest, mostly because she had spend many hours listening on spur of the moment road trips with her children and mine.  Michele and I are total opposites- She plans everything to the second, I pick up and go. (not that I don't plan, but I enjoy random-ness) She was learning to relax and enjoy my carefree nature  in her "planned to the second" life. I also think deep down she started to love John Denver just as much as we did.  Its hard to beat singing along at the top of your lungs  "Country roads take me home" as you drive into the mountains, or "Get out the map" when you take random roads in unknown places when your day gets blown off course.

 Saturday the girls and I drove and sang and sang and drove, we listened to all of our favorite songs, old and new. Tradition is important to me, and is something I want both of the girls understand the importance of as well. As the miles passed  our excitement grew. We have always loved going to this particular place we are headed. Some of our best memories are from Lake James with a John Denver/Indigo Girls Sound track.  My girls grew up listening to John Denver, Enya, and Indigo Girls. They never listened to the trendy pop stars, or the latest country song to come out. Those three musicians were the core of what we listened to no matter where we went. There was of course, also the Irish Rovers with that silly unicorn song the girls all loved.

The photos above is from one of our last camping trips; I think Britt was about 7 and Heather Riley was 5. I had an amazing friend back then, Lena. Between the two of us we had 7 kids. My girls loved her like a second mother. She taught me to smile under any and all circumstances. She is the person that taught me how to love selflessly.  I learned the importance of always having love in my heart, She taught me that being bitter about my life and circumstance was not going to make the situation better, instead it just makes it worse. I would retrospectively look at our friendship and realize God was using it and the situations we found ourselves in to bring us both to Him.  I marvel at how vital the roles we played in each others lives became. The road twisted perfectly to bring us where we were meant to be. Each thorny briar in our way was necessary to shape us into who we were meant to become, or are becoming. When we lost touch I grieved over the loss of her for a long time. Seven years would pass before I would reconnect with her again. We picked up as though it had just been yesterday when we last spoke. I will always deeply love her for the many lessons we learned through one another.

Once the Girls and I arrived at the lake we knew it was too late. The last canoe was rented out, not even a single kayak was available. We were not about to let that get us down, not in the least. The day was beautiful. We could have just gone to the public access and swam, but the public swimming access area was packed and very unappealing.  We got back into the car and decided we would just drive. Sometimes the best things are unplanned adventures.

 We went sight seeing, and hiking in some very random places off the beaten path. We ultimately wanted to swim. After all we did drive to the lake in out swimsuits. So we continued on our way.  finding beauty as we went.

 

Finally we found what felt like the right place to pull over and check out a possible swimming place. 

Sure enough this was the perfect spot for swimming. It was a little difficult to get to, but it was well off the path, it was private and most of all it felt perfect. After scouting it out we grabbed all three of our floats and headed to the water.

There was no where to ease into it, the only option was to "jump in" and so we did.

.

 As I am blowing up my own float I heard Britt scream. I look over and see her doing what appears to be walking on water. It was a very odd sight to see at first glance. Then I realize she is standing on a fallen tree. I approach the situation to discover a possibly bad situation.

 

 Britt has floated over a tree and popped her float. She is a quickly sinking ship. 

Fortunately the water was shallow enough at one end that she was able to stand up. It was of course getting back up onto the bank where I was sitting that was a special challenge. 

After the float popped we decided to find something different to do.  On Fathers day we happened upon a rickety one lane bridge. On that day we chose not to cross it. The girls and I decided we wanted to take pictures and cross it. So we went looking for it. 

The bridge was rickety and very unsettling to cross, that added to the excitement as we went across.

After the bridge we decided to start back home. It was getting late and we were getting tired. There was plenty we could still find to explore as we drove home. - and we did. 

Learning to slow down and enjoy every moment. 

Britt decided to play out the lyrics to one of our favorite songs at a rest stop "get out the map, and lay your finger anywhere down"

I am not sure that we can finance a trip that far out right now.. but maybe one day soon. It sure would be fun.. For now we will stick to day trips.

 

Feeling a little disappointed that her "finger laying" didn't win a trip to the coast, we headed out for ice cream instead as we made the final few miles back to Huntersville.

After Icre cream I discovered the most bizarre out dated "thing" I gave the girls a wonderful history lesson.

A phone, a phone connected to a cord.. you even have to put money into it and push buttons.. I was greatly disappointed (not shocked though) that it did not work. I can not recall the last time I happened upon a pay phone that actually worked. I have made it a personal quest to find one that actually works. So far I have only seen them as a canvas for grafitti and geocache locations. ET wasn't able to phone home on the old fashioned phone so we jumped back into the car and headed south

 

 By the time we got home it was dinner time. We were to tired to do anything so we settled for chips, salsa and cheese dip at home. We crashed on the sofa with pillows and blankets to watch a classic movie. Heather Riley ended the night with a conversation that I thought I had escaped for the day, but in the quiet moments of our lives we all know there is something missing. Each of us in a different capacity have the same empty feelings in our hearts. I pray every night for the strength and words to comfort her, but as each day passes it gets harder and harder. I am running out of words and she is getting smarter and more vocal. 

As I do every day, I pray asking the Lord to give us all peace in our hearts and the strength to follow His will in our lives without protest or fear. This is a period in my life that it is difficult to know what I am supposed to be doing, and saying to a lot of the most important people. I take time away from the world into quiet places like the mountains, we go seeking clarity. I hate when my clarity becomes clouded with uncertainty and fear.  That little face framed with the red curls making the pouty face, I will have her for the remainder of my life, I just want to provide her love and security, and thats all she asks for as well. If only it were that simple.