The first full moon of March is called the Worm Moon, the earthworms start to come out as the ground thaws, its an odd name really, but so it is called. It is a beautiful moon, if you take the time to stop and notice it.
Living in the city we have a fair amount of light pollution, so a dark night sky full of stars is not a normal thing around here. Why even bother looking up really? At least not until you have driven quite a distance away from the hustle and bustle. Tonight was different; when Heather and I got into the car you couldn't help but notice the largest, brightest moon I have seen all year.
The sight of the moon took me back in time several years to another Worm Moon of March.
Andrew and I had taken Heather to see her geneticist in Asheville, we were leaving a restaurant, Heather was bounding ahead for the car, when Andrew and I both stopped in awe of the moon rising over the trees. I remember just standing there side by side watching in wonder at Gods creation and cherishing the moment. Now every time I see a beautiful full moon, I not only remember that night, but I thank God for providing that perfect moment in time, a memory I will forever have and hold dear to my heart no matter where we all end up. I will have that one seemingly small moment forever in my heart.
A lesson I learned very long ago, slow down, don't be in a rush for the "next thing" enjoy each moment for that moment is a gift. The little things that are happening could very well be lasting memories for the people you are with, or even yourself. How do you want to be remembered? What do you want to remember?
It was several years ago that I found myself kneeling in the church on a sunny afternoon pouring my heart out to God. Then in the silence of the majestic beauty that surrounded me, when I felt as though even God was turning His back on me I heard a voice which was as real as mine, state "in My time, not yours."
I have often looked back on that moment in my life and remembered those words and that gentle reassurance. I have learned through many trials in life to be patient, that was certainly not something which was simply granted to me. I consistently remind myself how everything happens in Gods time, not mine.
When I reflect back over the journey my family has been on I can see God all along the way, I also see times when my impatience has flared and the results of it. When I look back to the day I was on my knees in the church I never would have pictured my family positioned where we are today, nothing is ever perfect, but looking back five years we are closer than we have ever been. Everything is happening in Gods time.
"God Give me peace in my heart to follow Your will for my life without protest or fear"
This
is the prayer I have prayed for years, longer than I can remember
actually. The same words over and over and over. I don't wake up and
face the day without asking the Lord to meet this vital need, I dare not
lay my head down at night without asking for it as well.
One
day about a year ago I realized I had been granted what I was asking
for and I should THANK
God for giving me what my selfish greedy human
heart was continuing to ask for day in and day out. I woke up and
it was as if a jolt of electricity had hit me the realization darted
through my thick skull; through so many of lifes storms I had been given
the peace I so desperately pleaded for, not just peace but a grace to
walk through those storms and show others His love and give them hope
through our journey. I realized how so many times the Lord had provided a
way for my family when there seemed to not be a way and in those
moments when things looked darkest ultimately I had calm in my heart.
Looking back I found peace in situations without Gods hand over me it would not have been possible to have had a moment of rest for my heart.
I
stopped in that moment - had I thanked God every day that he was giving
me exactly what I was praying so fervently for? Of course I was
thanking him along the way for my blessings, as we certainly should; but
was I thanking Him for answering my prayer as He so obviously had been
all along? I had not been, and certainly that had to change.
I
also realized I had been following His will for my life without protest
for quite some time. "Without protest" and "without question, or
hesitation" are definitely two different things. So many times in my
life's journey I have felt the Holy Spirit nudging me in a direction and
I have felt hesitant to make a move, or questioned if I should do
something. I stopped protesting quite some time ago. I learned its a road to nowhere, God will continue placing you onto a path that leads you in His direction when you are His children. We are slow sometimes, it takes a lot for us to see what may be right in front of us at times. "The hardest things to learn are the least complicated" (yes, those are song lyrics) When God says to step you step in that direction. It
comes down to timing and delivery now and then. Not long ago I was
willing, ready, and planning to move my entire family to Uganda.
Sometimes I think about that and I still feel a sadness, do I think this
is a calling the Lord has for me? Yes, the timing is just not right.
There are other things in my life I still have to do right here, right
now. A confession of my own, I was running away from some of it.
Sometimes the challenge feels to big, and sometimes the inevitable heart
ache will be too big as well, so running a continent away just felt
right.
Along the road many people have emailed me, and
spoken with me about our life, how my ability to speak up and share
experiences has helped them. It has not always been easy for me to share pieces of myself, but I have, at times, felt a calling to share certain things. I knew there was someone that needed to "hear" something I was going to share- be it online or in spoken word. This was part of his Will. There are many
people that have touched me deeply by simply sending an email about how
they found profound meaning in something I wrote, said, or did. I
believe our trials have purpose, I know there are people who have come
to Him through our lives. It is never my intention to be profound, I am
simply myself. I am incredibly flawed; I am clay
constantly being molded and remolded into something new.
I have
listened and followed His voice to the best of my ability. When I felt I
was supposed to turn away from something I did, no matter how hard it
was.This is currently where we are in our lives. There are a great many things in our lives creating clutter. Many people noticed over the last week or so I am no longer on Facebook. I have a hundred reasons for leaving, and I doubt I will ever go back.
Those that are close to my family sometimes think I am "uptight" about certain things. Maybe so, if I babysit your children, or you spend time in my home expect to be subjected to a few hours of my quiet nature. Sitting on a porch, and talking instead of watch hours of TV or having inappropriate music playing in the background while young children "twerk" and adults laugh (I can't stand the idea of it). Why? Simply because society has changed -does not mean that the Lord has. What is right and proper remains right and proper.
Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. - Matthew 713-14
Why even mention this? Because, I ask the Lord to provide me with peace in my heart on a daily basis. How can any of us have peace in our hearts when we fill our minds and hearts with things that are everything but peaceful? I am trying very hard to get both the girls and myself to a better place emotionally and spiritually. Taking away negativity that world bombards us with constantly is where we are at now.
Thanking God for answering my simple prayer is something I have needed to do, humans are such selfish creatures, self centered and selfish by nature. It is a mercy that the Lord loves us and understands our nature. We are blessed to have a loving Father to always turn to. One that loves us unconditionally and will always be there regardless of what we are and have done, even when we are at our most unlovable. So I now remember to praise Him, and thank Him for answering my prayer, for giving me sufficient grace to get through life's hardest moments for taking away from fear and allowing me to follow His will for my life without too much protest.
Have you ever read a book and enjoyed it so much you were genuinely upset when it ended?
Our own lives can be that way. We have chapters of our life, when they close evoke similar feelings as we realize they are closing.
Over the last several months I have known a beautiful chapter in our lives was coming to an end and a new one was going to begin soon. As each page turned it was with a great deal of mixed emotion that I watched the pages turn. There were times that I was even outside of myself during events, watching everything take place as an outsider simply trying to drink in every moment to impress upon my memory the laughter, joy, every line upon certain faces, the smell of people, the way the sun felt on my skin that day, the sparkles in the girls eyes- every moment so in the future some small something from those seconds might occur again and spark a memory to bring me back to that same moment in time and allow me the privilege of experiencing it in my heart for just a moment all over again. I stopped taking so many pictures so I could be in the moments as they occurred, missing nothing.
I have a journal that I have kept since Heather was an infant, one night I pulled the journal out and I flipped back through the pages. I read some with intent. I have had a recurring dream in my life. I have never owned a green car because of this dream. In the dream there are 6 people in the car, we lose control of the car and only one person gets out of the car, as the car is still spinning I am able to regain control and we drive as the other person walks around in close proximity to the car. There is much more, but it is very personal; as I read the words I had written over a period of years, the same dream over and over again. Recounted page after page for several years with emotion ranging from joy to anger. Suddenly this part made a different kind of sense. It no longer gave me an impending sense of doom, instead I understood it in a new way. This green car is life, and I simply have to take control myself. I have to learn to do things on my own a little. The good thing about it is that I know, how some of this turns out. I trust God. I trust that because everything else has been true so far, this will as well.
I have loved the chapter of life we were in, it has been the most beautiful chapter ever written, many times I could see the Lords hand writing the words Himself. Our lives changed, we changed. All four of us are better people because of each other. Each of us must turn new pages and start a new chapter and those chapters will be different for each of us. The roles we will play for one another is going to
be changing to. This is why I have not wanted to turn the page and start writing. When God says it is time to step, you must step, otherwise He will force the issue. I have looked around at the utter chaos and finally agreed in prayer to submit. I know, I have known. When you rebel against His will for your life that's what happens. He has a plan for you, don't mess it up by using your will over His. So I close this chapter and open a new one, with both sadness and joy for each of us.
Months ago I was looking for new direction in life. I decided to roll the dice and follow my dream. Those that know my girls and I; know that we have a love for helping people. All kinds of people in all situations. For most of my adult life it has been my deepest desire to take my family to Africa as missionaries. I came across a group that does just that, with a paid position open in the very place I most wanted to go, doing a job very close and personal to me. It was a position that allowed for an entire family to go. With a 24 month contract- and a possibility of extensions after 24 months.
Imagine how I felt as I read the qualifications and realized I was more than qualified. I simply needed references and letters of recommendation. I contacted people who knew me in the right capacities to write letters and give references, I spent over an hour filling out the application. As time went on and I didn't hear anything from the organization I assumed a better suited candidate was chosen, and that this was simply not Gods will for my life at this time. I admit as I came to this conclusion my heart felt a slight sting, but eventually I shrugged it off. I have an amazing job with a growing company. I enjoy my position and have some great new co-workers. I started to look to the future and see that I can grow where I am, and maybe this is where I should be right now. Everything in His time, not mine. Just as I heard in the church so many years ago, very clearly- "my time, not yours"
After I had reconciled to not going to Uganda, I received a phone call, a phone call led to an interview and the interview led to me being offered the position for my dream job. An offer was on the table, I was given time to think it over. It was like a whirlwind, the world was changing quickly, or was about to change, had the potential to change. I could hardly believe what was taking place.
What do you do? I had spent years dreaming of this moment. Suddenly I was paralyzed. Every fiber of my body screamed yes. I had more than just myself to think of though. I have two girls at home, one with intense medical needs. Despite how healthy she is there is still a very delicate balance that must be kept. The more time I spent in prayer the more obvious it became this would be the ultimate step of faith if I said yes. There were many unknowns, as I recall those first moments spent pensively considering the entire situation my heart flutters with joyful and anxious excitement, with just the memory of those moments.
I spent two weeks praying over this situation, and asked others to do the same. I needed to have peace in my heart if I said "yes" or if I said "no thank you" It was imperative to know that it was the Lords calling and it was happening within His timing. Not a trap laid by the evil one to lead me into failure and a path to feeling defeat beyond what am able to handle. I had to know I was not going to be traveling to Uganda and putting my family into danger; testing my faith and leading me to lose my passion and faith. Something even the strongest of believers can have happen given the right set of circumstances.
Every fiber of my being screamed for me to say "yes" from the moment I received the offer. Even when the reasoning voice in my head said "no" my heart said "yes" I practiced declining the position as well as accepting the position. As I did this I spent time picturing our lives in what I began to refer to as "after" I imagined having to kick my Starbucks skinny vanilla latte habit (gulp) that was a pretty serious obstacle for me, really. I had to skip the bucks today and I had a pretty grumbly morning. City life has certainly changed me a bit. I wondered how the girls would adjust to life without internet and electronics all the time, the possibility of no electricity either. As I half joked to myself about these things- I stopped, I realized while of course, these would be a period of adjustment; what is the goal here? Could we manage and adjust? Of course we would. We are survivors. Most people have no idea what we have endured on our way to where we are. By keeping our focus on what is important and our faith we have lived through some horrible circumstances. Living as missionaries in Uganda would certainly not be "horrible" and if that was how it was going to be viewed we shouldn't consider it. The truth is those things, Starbucks and electricity don't matter Being where God calls us to be is what matters, that was where the words of my dear friend Pastor Charles hit me where it counts "being where God calls you to be"
During the course of my decision making process I spoke with very few people about the opportunity. I was afraid of the influence others may have over me. My heart was already so tender and emotionally I was feeling all over the place. The words of Pastor Charles were the most powerful of anyone. My feelings had been hurt by the words of some over the opportunity. People can be unintentionally cruel, and sometimes when people are scared they say things that are hurtful as well. I had to keep it in perspective when my feelings were hurt.
Where is God calling me to be? That was the question that continued in my heart and mind, it was my constant prayer. I felt certain I knew. I felt certain this position was the right direction.
When it came time to give my answer, I gave it with confidence. During the call I asked many questions; each of the responses we exactly what I needed to proceed with accepting the position.
Yes, I said yes.
As soon as I hung up the phone I felt a twinge of panic.
What had I just done?
I had just signed up for two years in Africa with my family, my family meaning the girls and I. How would we leave Andrew? This is something I think about often for a variety of reasons. Andrew and I have an amazing friendship; but certainly he wasn't going to be coming with us. I admit that the girls and I are dependent upon Andrew as our protector, and leader and have been. It wasn't something anyone planned, it just happened. I had said yes to leaving the country, and Andrew. How would Heather manage emotionally losing Andrew for two years?
I started having second thoughts.
That weekend Heather was to compete in the State Cheer Competition; Saturday morning when Andrew arrived my heart, while joyful and filled with excitement over the day and my new opportunity, was heavy with sadness. As we celebrated Heathers milestone that day I started to think I had made the wrong decision. I started to grasp what my girls would be losing. I knew they would be gaining much, but on a scale which was greater? At that moment the losses looked heavier.
Love and family are very important to us.
It took us a very long time to get to where we are. I am a very solitary person, but the relationships I have are very important to me. Given a choice I would rather spend any given evening at home cooking with Andrew and the girls, watching a movie and playing Wii games, or having pillow fights, or any of the other silly things we do. Many people spend their lives searching for just a portion of what we share as friends; could I break the family unit we created up? Was this Gods will in my life? Why was I having these thoughts now so much, why did my heart feel pulled so hard to stay now? Was there something I was missing? had missed?
I spoke with Charles about how I was feeling. He continued to talk to me about how he felt I was supposed to be here, my calling was to continue advocacy within the special needs community, continue public speaking and helping others in the capacity I had been. May be in the future greater opportunities would open up. I knew he was right, I have a passion for advocacy, and I love public speaking.
In that conversation I knew he was right, but my heart still was filled with passion for the position I had accepted. In my mind my furniture had already been put in storage and the girls and I were saying good bye to friends and family. - I was torn.
I sat down one night and I wrote a heart felt email to my new employer. In the email I declined the position. I sat staring at my computer screen and cried, I cried until there were no tears left. There came a time when I realized I was no longer crying over the position. My tears were over so much more. I saved it as a draft. I didn't want to make an emotional decision, those are always bad. I needed to make my move rationally.
I have made my final decision, it was one of the hardest decisions have have made, but we are staying here. I am going to continue employment where I am. As I prayed I asked for clear signs about 3 issues in my life, I frequently have to say to the Lord, you know I can be pretty slow, so make this clear to me. Certainly those three things have been made clear to me, with the heavy reminder for my need to be patient.
I hit the send button on my email. It was rational, filled with emotions, but a decision made rationally.
I will cry when I talk about the opportunity, my heart will always sting when I think about it. I know in my heart this was the right choice. Next week I will sign the lease for my apartment for another year, we have lived here for 2 years now. I laughed when I thought about it- I hate moving. I have moved 3 times in my adult life- what would moving to another country have been like- certainly a bigger nightmare than just from city to city.
I walked through a door and crawled back in the window. Now I sit on my sofa and I remind myself of the words I heard so many years ago as I knelt in tears "in my time, not yours" Patience is difficult, especially when something seems so perfect, even when it is filled with imperfections.
The first month of a new year is coming to a close. 2015 has started out by taking my breath away. My baby Sarah turned 20, I now have two children in their 20's! That is something I can't even begin to wrap my mind around. Adult children. Even though I am (gasp) almost 40 on the inside I still feel like a 20 something quite often.
Another "baby" had her last day of school, Brittany will be graduating high school next month. This month however she walked the halls of high school for the last time as a senior. It is on to bigger and better things. It is time to really plan for the future now.
Heather Riley has been amazing us with her growth and development. She cheers with typical girls. It was amazing. As her squad was handed second place trophies it realized instantly I needed to publicly thank the therapist that worked with her over the years too. I know their patience with her (and me at times) has brought her to the place she is now too.
We said good bye to our sedan and have an SUV, I was heart broken but am learning to adjust. Life is full of changes, and that was just one. Maybe it was the Lords way of preparing me for bigger changes He had in store. I do not like change much, big or small.
I am asking for prayers as I spend the next few days in prayer myself. I have a personal decision to make. A door is before me, a door that could be the biggest change my girls and I have ever experienced. I have spent the last week praying, crying and considering all of the possibilities. I have a week left before I must make a final decision. I do not want to divulge what this decision is right now, I do not want opinions and the well meaning advice of others to cloud my ability to discern what I am to do. This is a difficult enough decision. I will ask for my friends to pray for me to have clarity of mind and direction. I continue to pray for peace in my heart to follow the Lords will without protest or fear, especially at this time in our lives.
Rejoice always;pray without ceasing;in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
As Thanksgiving approaches I think more and more about what I am thankful for. I don't have to think very hard to come up with a long list of what to be thankful for. This year was not an easy year by any means. Last Thanksgiving if I had been asked to predict the next year I never would have guessed the trials we would have encountered. What does James 1:2-4 tell us? Consider it all joy knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance and to let endurance have its perfect result so you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. So, with those words in mind I worked though the trials of the last year. I wasn't always precisely cheerful, and I didn't celebrate our bad situations, but I was thankful to the Lord in all of our circumstances. I held on to the realization that He was moving in my life to place us in a better situation, on a better path, to put new people in our lives, to put us in the lives of new people as well. Those dark moments were teaching times, moments of introspection as well as retrospection. For those times I am thankful. We are constantly evolving, never fully complete always growing.
This Thanksgiving week I have the opportunity to look back on a year of growth. Tonight Brittany handed me the date of her High School graduation, her early graduation. Tonight I had a conversation with a typical competition cheer coach about Heather Riley actually competing in January with the other girls, I look at my grown girls and I know they are on the paths to becoming adults that will make a difference in the lives of those they touch in the world. They are all four beautiful young women, with pure hearts. I am thankful God has allowed me to be their mother.
I am thankful for the amazing friends I have in my life, those far and near. Both old and new. Over the last year I have gained at least one new friendship that I cherish more than this person may realize. Friendship is a vital part of the human condition. I let very few people into my life, I talk to many people on a casual basis, but very few on a personal level. I have marveled over the entrance of certain people into my life. This was one of those instances. This Thanksgiving we turn to the Lord with praise for what is right, and ask for guidance in the other areas. This thanksgiving we are going to be quiet, just us at home. This year is a time for quiet reflection, a turkey and stuffing, some time on the couch just holding on to one another. Reminding each other of what is important.
Life and love.
Over the years I have come to the realization that I have very few needs in life. The girls too, the three of us are simple, while it is true there are things we enjoy in life, those are not things we require to be happy. The only thing we need is love, it doesn't matter where we live, or what we consume. We could eat rice and beans, as long as we are secure with love nothing else matters.
For this sense of security I am thankful. There are so many things I am thankful for, I could continue, I could list things until the sun comes up, but I will stop. I encourage each of you to take time to think about the things you are thankful for, the relationships in your life that are meaningful, the people you love; Do those people know just how much they mean to you? Have you thanked the Lord for your blessings? There is no time like the present to let them know.
